How a clown lost her funny...

It use to be my lot in life to make people laugh. I love children and dogs because of their uncomplicated nature and consistent honesty. In an effort to find people who would accept me for who I am as I am I started to accept people that I met in that fashion. It was the do unto others that I read so much about that led me to believe that this was the best way to go about getting what I needed.

In my many years on this earth, ok they are not that many, I have found that people are sad or get sad at times. Normally their sadness has never really bothered me because I would get sad too and sometimes for no apparent reason. I would take their sadness, dabbed at tears, and tried to replace it with laughter, I can be kinda funny. My silliness and comedic timing well was quite legendary on the playground, at home, and well everywhere. I made teachers, old people, kids, dogs, cats (yes cats) smile even when they didn't want to do it!

You know what I missed? I missed the change in me. I missed the slow decline in my ability and desire to make people laugh. Less and less I wasn't becoming the much needed clown that would have you laughing in the most unlikely places. Even more scarce was the smile on face. The bouts of depression that I was mildly suffering from became much larger battles of like that have left me a empty shell without any allies.

The inability to laugh and make others laugh might be worse than a cold heart. Now keep in mind that all the while I was still listening to others but instead of deflecting the woes with a joke or an antidote for finding the silver lining I was absorbing their misery. More and more the sorrow of others became my sorrow and I was less and less likely to want to be around anyone. I thought it was because people are harmful in the way of not really accepting me for being me but the real problem was that I lost my ability to counter others' feelings and keep them from being mine.

In the midst of making an excuse for why a colleague was behaving miserably I realized that I too have become that person. The type of person that had nothing good to say. Nothing good to look forward. Nothing else in life but the next despair and trial that life had to offer. My way was to survive life. Plenty of big troublesome things have happened in my life in the past but the difference then from now was that I was still looking for the beauty even in the middle of the pain back then. I had stopped doing that in these later years. I had lost my funny and my beauty seeking skills.

This didn't hit me of course until after my daughter and I went to a movie with some friends and the mother was negative the whole time. I was thinking I really don't want to spend then night complaining and being upset. Now I love this woman and I think that eventually she may come to the same conclusion someday that life is longer in a bad way when you stop looking for the beauty through the pain. And while everyone deserves to be loved for who they are equally so everyone deserves the right to maintain the harmony of their life by excusing themselves from the people who threaten that harmony. I can't say that that epiphany will make it easier for me to do so but hopefully it will help me to bring back the funny and pick up the search again for everything beautiful.

Back on the blog saddle

I've decided that blogging is the way to go. While I have met many that are skeptical of blogging because of security risks and predators, I think that fear is the root of evil and those who would only lay fear instead of caution (because they are two totally different things) are a close cousin to evil.

When I was blogging on myspace.com (please don't hold that against me) I found that it was very therapeutic. At first it took be a long time to get into it, then I only did it when I was angry or sad; and just before I stopped blogging, I started doing it for random reasons. I think that it will take me a while to get back on the saddle again but I am willing to suffer through the blisters and head for the web therapy couch I was becoming to grow so fond.

Okay, the real reason I am blogging. I want to start writing again and I am going to try and blogging daily to help me get my creative mind kick started. Laying my thoughts out in this forum will hopefully do that for me. I know from experience that writing daily will get me into a habit that will eventually lead to more writing creativity and help me to improve my style. Who knows maybe I will be brave enough to send some things off for publishing (if I can be so lucky as to be published). Nevertheless this is it! I am back in the blogging world again and I am here to stay!

Now to maintain what I have started.....