I have sung the praises of music time and time again and I have to say I never get tired of paying homage to it and if you do please read another blog. I wish I were a musician, though I doubt I would be any good. I am far better a listener; one who gathers and applies music to life's memories and plight. I can say with great amount of certainty and longing that I live for music and what it can make me feel and remember through feeling.
There are songs that color the very sunset of memories in such vibrant a manner that one would be just downright evil in nature not to be moved by a well place note and lyric. I have tucked memories away with songs vowing to never listen to those songs again so that I can never again have those memories. I have repeated the awe inspiring listening of songs because there are some memories I never want to leave. I have abused the emotion boosting songs to help exorcise the very torment, happiness, love, laziness and energy right out of me. There isn't anything music cannot emotionally reproduce for me.....and yes it can quite literally invoke the edge of ecstasy from my loins as well.
What better place to lose yourself than in a safe haven of those that are like minded and those that aren't but you wish they were. I am not without a thought or situations of my own that could be laid to music for a marriage of delight and enlightenment; but, somehow I don't think that others would relate as well to my musings. I wonder if musicians think that about some of their songs? I wonder if they care? I wonder if they are amazed and amused by those who think they get it and connect to something in their music when something totally different was intended.
The closest I have ever come to experiencing something similar to this is when I allowed a college classmate to read a poem I wrote. She read it and liked it. I told her I wrote it and she expressed what she thought the poem was about. When I told her she was wrong and what I had in mind when I wrote it she proceeded to argue with me about it. How odd is that? How can you argue with the author of a piece about the content and meaning of their work? She had to be on crack or something, right? After cooling off I was amused. I am not saying by any means that I am Shakespeare or in spitting distance of his ilk, I couldn't even be his chambermaid quite honestly. Imagine if I were to tell him that Romeo & Juliet wasn't about the two lovers and their demise but about the fashion of the day and age. Geez, I can hear Shakespeare turning in his grave.
This is why I will never really interpret a song. I will only apply to it my own experience, memory and emotion like a marker in time and space. My time and space which needs background, transition and emphasis music in order to make my life a little more worth looking in on. Looking merely at the person isn't enough until you get to hear the music that chooses that person and how that person applies it along the way.
I got trapped tonight watching VH1. VH1 is a trap don't let it fool you. '100 Greatest Songs of the 90s', good gracious I flipped to the channel in the 80s part of the countdown. I hate that I did that because three hours later and I now am driven to download well over half those songs so that I can get a little 90s memory recap. Makes me think that I need to create a new playlist. Make me feel like I need to bump up the 80GB iPOD to a top of the list item. Makes me want to stay up late to listen to songs that I haven't heard in a long time. Makes me think about the soundtrack of my life thus far and how well played it has been from time to time even though my life hasn't been.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Years End Reflection
I am not alone at this time of year to engage in the act of reflection of a year that has gone by so fast that you like everyone else wonder where the time went. Its funny knowing that the time goes fast never seems to invoke the kind of haste and stewardship over our time in the coming years as one would expect. Most of us tend to procrastinate more. In others still we tend to try to cram more into an already busy and blurrlike existence never really getting the full measure of our experiences. I think that I have been a victim of experiencing both. It is almost like I have been leading several lives all at once with differing perspective and approach allowing for different experiences and affects on my life.
As mother the year has gone by exceptionally fast and with much joy and growth. I have watched my precious one go from being a 5th grader to be becoming a 6th grader. The implications of that transition is monumental and only the beginning to other earth shattering transition for her and I. My love for her grows and my sense of liking her as a person ebbs and flows. Most people don't really acknowledge the distinct issue we have in viewing our children but I do. I can't stop loving my angel but I have found that there are times when I don't like her very much. I use to feel guilty about the duplicitous state until I began to try to understand it more. Most of us instinctively love our children because they are part of us but what we don't do is accept and acknowledge that they are individuals in every way so its just as natural not to like them based on their idiosyncrasies just any other individual. We think we are exempt from the luxury because they are our children but we aren't. I think that if we acknowledge it more we can get to a place where we can accept our children better and more completely as they grow into to the person they will be. I cannot and don't love anyone like I love my child and as she realizes herself as a human being and a part of society I have to accept that she may hold some traits and behaviors that I will not ever like. The difference is the love I have for her will mean she will continued to be loved despite them and I will build a tolerance and acceptance for her regardless of those traits and behaviors which is something we never do for strangers. Accepting our children goes beyond just loving them for who they are, it much means loving them despite of who they aren't and the individual they become that's separate from us. I very much want that for Cydni and to pass it along so that she will do it for her children as well.
As a professional I single handily destroyed my necessary behavioral comforts and needs to satisfy my financial and egotistical ones. I left a job of five years where I knew many and many knew me for a job where I know no one and no one knows me. These decisions are never easy in that we have to met the needs that are nagging the most at us and that is why we make the decisions we make in these times but I think this recent decision has helped me learn a bit more about myself than I would have liked to know. Actually it really uncovered something I find quite ridiculous about myself. I like being the go to person even if I am stressed and tired. I like being the one that people rely on and go to for solutions and advice on fixing issues. I was very much in that position in my last company. I think that the element that led me to look elsewhere is the lack of that being the admitted case. I wasn't getting credit for the work I had been doing but I was getting the work non-stop and at an ever growing pace. There has to be a balance even in madness. Wanting that kind of position in a professional setting is madness because it means you can never vacate. It was very true for me too, I didn't take a real vacation the whole time I worked there. I did however enjoy the status of being me there. The new job doesn't present me with the same kind of clout. Now some would say that in a matter of time I would regain my status but its just not true. Every organization has its culture and what is inherent to one isn't always present in another. The last six months have been an exercise is becoming part of body of people that has no hierarchy. We shine together or not at all. I miss being a big fish in a little pond but I am beginning to find my niche in being just apart of the school in a big a ocean. It has meant the creation of time to work toward getting into to the career that will better serve me and society in a more productive manner.
To finish off this trinity of self there is me the individual. This year like other years has been a trial of ethics, friendship and self acceptance. I cannot say that I have reached self actualization per se but I can say that I get closer all the time. My bad choices provide an immense amount of turmoil and cause major setbacks but as the wounds heal I find a bit more of the pieces of myself that I thought was lost forever. I know what is good and needs to be done but the old fears of my soul keep me from those decisions at times and I find that even doing nothing is harmful to me. I have also experienced this year that in doing the right thing I can be hurt most deeply. I have often wondered why the wrong things feel so right and how it could be that you feel like a piece of yourself is ripped away once you have set those wrongs right. As a believer I am often riddled with questions of how it could be that I am missing the things that are promised no matter how faithful I am and how I long for them more when I try to create those things by my own hand. The everyday discovery that I am my own worst enemy presents a problem of how to change the core of you to become this better person so that you may have the better life. I know that the look of a person's happiness isn't the full picture of their life but I think that looking at that part of their picture only makes the pain of your missing picture part all the worse. So in my most selfish human impression I will say, All is want is what I want when I want it and only for as long as I want it.
I can't imagine what next year holds and that seems to be the trend as I get older. Funny, I find that I long for the years when that wasn't the case; there is something in knowing that next year holds x, y and z. At 34 and climbing knowing what the next year is going to be like isn't a luxury that I possess but not knowing is definitely a fear that I carry. I know that I want Cydni to be happy and to grow with as little ill affect of my haphazard parenting as possible, for my new job to remain so in order for me to finish school and move on to my chosen career and for me to close the gap in self actualization as fast and as painlessly as possible. And my underlining request for my life to mean something to as many as possible remains the constant of my existence.
Here's to looking forwarding instead of back and always being thankful for what I have instead of criticizing what I lack.
Have a Happy New Year!!
As mother the year has gone by exceptionally fast and with much joy and growth. I have watched my precious one go from being a 5th grader to be becoming a 6th grader. The implications of that transition is monumental and only the beginning to other earth shattering transition for her and I. My love for her grows and my sense of liking her as a person ebbs and flows. Most people don't really acknowledge the distinct issue we have in viewing our children but I do. I can't stop loving my angel but I have found that there are times when I don't like her very much. I use to feel guilty about the duplicitous state until I began to try to understand it more. Most of us instinctively love our children because they are part of us but what we don't do is accept and acknowledge that they are individuals in every way so its just as natural not to like them based on their idiosyncrasies just any other individual. We think we are exempt from the luxury because they are our children but we aren't. I think that if we acknowledge it more we can get to a place where we can accept our children better and more completely as they grow into to the person they will be. I cannot and don't love anyone like I love my child and as she realizes herself as a human being and a part of society I have to accept that she may hold some traits and behaviors that I will not ever like. The difference is the love I have for her will mean she will continued to be loved despite them and I will build a tolerance and acceptance for her regardless of those traits and behaviors which is something we never do for strangers. Accepting our children goes beyond just loving them for who they are, it much means loving them despite of who they aren't and the individual they become that's separate from us. I very much want that for Cydni and to pass it along so that she will do it for her children as well.
As a professional I single handily destroyed my necessary behavioral comforts and needs to satisfy my financial and egotistical ones. I left a job of five years where I knew many and many knew me for a job where I know no one and no one knows me. These decisions are never easy in that we have to met the needs that are nagging the most at us and that is why we make the decisions we make in these times but I think this recent decision has helped me learn a bit more about myself than I would have liked to know. Actually it really uncovered something I find quite ridiculous about myself. I like being the go to person even if I am stressed and tired. I like being the one that people rely on and go to for solutions and advice on fixing issues. I was very much in that position in my last company. I think that the element that led me to look elsewhere is the lack of that being the admitted case. I wasn't getting credit for the work I had been doing but I was getting the work non-stop and at an ever growing pace. There has to be a balance even in madness. Wanting that kind of position in a professional setting is madness because it means you can never vacate. It was very true for me too, I didn't take a real vacation the whole time I worked there. I did however enjoy the status of being me there. The new job doesn't present me with the same kind of clout. Now some would say that in a matter of time I would regain my status but its just not true. Every organization has its culture and what is inherent to one isn't always present in another. The last six months have been an exercise is becoming part of body of people that has no hierarchy. We shine together or not at all. I miss being a big fish in a little pond but I am beginning to find my niche in being just apart of the school in a big a ocean. It has meant the creation of time to work toward getting into to the career that will better serve me and society in a more productive manner.
To finish off this trinity of self there is me the individual. This year like other years has been a trial of ethics, friendship and self acceptance. I cannot say that I have reached self actualization per se but I can say that I get closer all the time. My bad choices provide an immense amount of turmoil and cause major setbacks but as the wounds heal I find a bit more of the pieces of myself that I thought was lost forever. I know what is good and needs to be done but the old fears of my soul keep me from those decisions at times and I find that even doing nothing is harmful to me. I have also experienced this year that in doing the right thing I can be hurt most deeply. I have often wondered why the wrong things feel so right and how it could be that you feel like a piece of yourself is ripped away once you have set those wrongs right. As a believer I am often riddled with questions of how it could be that I am missing the things that are promised no matter how faithful I am and how I long for them more when I try to create those things by my own hand. The everyday discovery that I am my own worst enemy presents a problem of how to change the core of you to become this better person so that you may have the better life. I know that the look of a person's happiness isn't the full picture of their life but I think that looking at that part of their picture only makes the pain of your missing picture part all the worse. So in my most selfish human impression I will say, All is want is what I want when I want it and only for as long as I want it.
I can't imagine what next year holds and that seems to be the trend as I get older. Funny, I find that I long for the years when that wasn't the case; there is something in knowing that next year holds x, y and z. At 34 and climbing knowing what the next year is going to be like isn't a luxury that I possess but not knowing is definitely a fear that I carry. I know that I want Cydni to be happy and to grow with as little ill affect of my haphazard parenting as possible, for my new job to remain so in order for me to finish school and move on to my chosen career and for me to close the gap in self actualization as fast and as painlessly as possible. And my underlining request for my life to mean something to as many as possible remains the constant of my existence.
Here's to looking forwarding instead of back and always being thankful for what I have instead of criticizing what I lack.
Have a Happy New Year!!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Growing Old
In October Cydni and I were having brunch at Denny's and I was reading to her a new book that I bought recently as we waited for our order. While waiting I noticed some random people being seated and occasionally as their proximity encroached my personal space I would say hi appropriately and smile. In this act of stay away kindness a senior citizen couple was seated across from us. My heart is not completely Grinch-like but its caged and on a leash and started to feel the warmth and growth it typically feels at times like these.
They looked so frail and small sitting in the smallest booth imaginable while waiters and waitresses whizzed by them. For them though the space was like their own world where they were the only inhabitants. They sat there whispering to each other and smiling. He leaned over and moved her hair out of her face and smile to her sweetly. He whispered something that made her laugh and she did so uninhibited because they were the only ones alive in their world so why laugh small. They obviously cared for each other and had been caring for a long time. They probably passed the days of being lovers and are now further strengthening their time as companions with great amount satisfaction and peace.
Cydni and I finished our brunch and it was good. I was momentarily at peace with the world too having witnessed an almost extinct phenomenon of human relationship in its display of longevity and peace. I felt ungrateful because of my complaints of late but hopeful that I can make amends. As I walked to the front to pay my bill I decided I wanted to thank them for being that kind as to share some of their peace with me. So I asked the cashier for their bill and asked her not to tell them their bill was paid until I had completely left the parking lot.
Tears in my eyes I bounced off to the car with Cydni singing a song and play around with her like the best friend she is to me. I love that there is peace in the world and there are people experiencing it. So my tears weren't of sorrow because I lacked what they possessed, they were of joy for them because they possessed it and that maybe me one day I too will have the same. I cried for the mere peace of growing old with a companion that I glimpsed in them in that its the attainable that I thought impossible and I witnessed it that day.
(I forgotten this happened, after my last blog post this evening I checked email and read a story that reminded me of this very experience. In remembering I am grateful all over again.)
They looked so frail and small sitting in the smallest booth imaginable while waiters and waitresses whizzed by them. For them though the space was like their own world where they were the only inhabitants. They sat there whispering to each other and smiling. He leaned over and moved her hair out of her face and smile to her sweetly. He whispered something that made her laugh and she did so uninhibited because they were the only ones alive in their world so why laugh small. They obviously cared for each other and had been caring for a long time. They probably passed the days of being lovers and are now further strengthening their time as companions with great amount satisfaction and peace.
Cydni and I finished our brunch and it was good. I was momentarily at peace with the world too having witnessed an almost extinct phenomenon of human relationship in its display of longevity and peace. I felt ungrateful because of my complaints of late but hopeful that I can make amends. As I walked to the front to pay my bill I decided I wanted to thank them for being that kind as to share some of their peace with me. So I asked the cashier for their bill and asked her not to tell them their bill was paid until I had completely left the parking lot.
Tears in my eyes I bounced off to the car with Cydni singing a song and play around with her like the best friend she is to me. I love that there is peace in the world and there are people experiencing it. So my tears weren't of sorrow because I lacked what they possessed, they were of joy for them because they possessed it and that maybe me one day I too will have the same. I cried for the mere peace of growing old with a companion that I glimpsed in them in that its the attainable that I thought impossible and I witnessed it that day.
(I forgotten this happened, after my last blog post this evening I checked email and read a story that reminded me of this very experience. In remembering I am grateful all over again.)
Ahh the Holidays
My basic rant about holidays is this: its impossible to have holiday cheer or profess that you do if you are snatching, grabbing, cutting off and cussing at people while shopping.......
The season starts far too early and retail begins it earlier and earlier every year. This year I saw and heard Christmas being pushed like a crack as early as October 1st! I imagine that with the economy being in the crapper that the need to find financial equilibrium as a retailer is worse than it has been since the great depression. Even with that as being the case I still cannot see pimping Christmas wares before we can buy candy for Halloween or Turkeys for Thanksgiving. Long gone are the days when you can enjoy the immediate holiday coming before Christmas is pushed on you. And I think that living in the world of capitalism can help you appreciate where the retail owner is coming from and maybe even find a way to forgive them a little when you couple the crashing economy and the number of closing stores into the equation but what I cannot tolerate or forgive is the people during this time of year.
The economy hasn't always affected the people in this regard. For as long as I can remember I have been baffled by the notion that you should have good cheer because Christmas is here. I have always been of the mindset that you should be of good cheer year around and not just in the month of December and part of January as your resolutions may guide you. I am of the belief that being good to one another is something we should strive for on a daily basis. Having said all that here is where my confusion comes into play. If this is indeed the season of cheer then why is it not exercised as prescribed? From traffic to sales, people are true to their selfish and evil tendencies when the last of something is at stake. And foolish me I would think that this behavior would lessen as the internet and internet shopping become more and more popular and viable a solution to braving the weather and traffic of holiday shopping. People are rude, tired, selfish, dangerously preoccupied and most apt to cut you off in traffic for a parking space. And why? To purchase gifts to further spoil a generation of over-weight, over-indulged brats!
My family is broken and that is not a secret, so I don't spend my holidays with my siblings but I do however spend them with my child. Here's the golden rule about Christmas: she gets five presents period! 1 big item, 1 item she wants but I don't necessarily want to get her, 1 item I want her to have, 1 traditional gift she gets every year and 1 item she needs. You would think that with this formula that she would not be excited by her gifts but she is because they are still a surprise to her and the great thing is she remembers what she got and she appreciates them. I want her to focus more on us spending time together and giving rather than receiving. I want her to understand more about why we celebrate the season than to associate it with putting on a happy face because its a season of good cheer even though people are behaving badly. I want her to know its about family even thought its just her and I. That we start the year and end it with each other because after the presents are opened all that is left is the company of family. Our appreciation and joy should rest on the fulfillment and notion that family is what you need because mere things will never carry you as far or as long. The holidays are supposed to be the time when you honor and cherish your family in a relaxed and festive manner. Essentially it should be the celebration of family and loved ones that sets the tone for the holidays. That is want for me and for everyone else in the world. To have a sense of relaxed and fulfilled joy to rejuvenate you those you and those you love with good food, conversation and memories of one another than mean more than the gifts we bought one another.
Here's hoping that you are celebrating the holidays by loving your family and friends with quality time and appreciation because it has been a rough year economically, emotionally and culturally for the world over. This is a year completed with the things we love in tact so that we can love them again next year and hopefully for many years to come.
Here's to those we love, Happy Holidays!
The season starts far too early and retail begins it earlier and earlier every year. This year I saw and heard Christmas being pushed like a crack as early as October 1st! I imagine that with the economy being in the crapper that the need to find financial equilibrium as a retailer is worse than it has been since the great depression. Even with that as being the case I still cannot see pimping Christmas wares before we can buy candy for Halloween or Turkeys for Thanksgiving. Long gone are the days when you can enjoy the immediate holiday coming before Christmas is pushed on you. And I think that living in the world of capitalism can help you appreciate where the retail owner is coming from and maybe even find a way to forgive them a little when you couple the crashing economy and the number of closing stores into the equation but what I cannot tolerate or forgive is the people during this time of year.
The economy hasn't always affected the people in this regard. For as long as I can remember I have been baffled by the notion that you should have good cheer because Christmas is here. I have always been of the mindset that you should be of good cheer year around and not just in the month of December and part of January as your resolutions may guide you. I am of the belief that being good to one another is something we should strive for on a daily basis. Having said all that here is where my confusion comes into play. If this is indeed the season of cheer then why is it not exercised as prescribed? From traffic to sales, people are true to their selfish and evil tendencies when the last of something is at stake. And foolish me I would think that this behavior would lessen as the internet and internet shopping become more and more popular and viable a solution to braving the weather and traffic of holiday shopping. People are rude, tired, selfish, dangerously preoccupied and most apt to cut you off in traffic for a parking space. And why? To purchase gifts to further spoil a generation of over-weight, over-indulged brats!
My family is broken and that is not a secret, so I don't spend my holidays with my siblings but I do however spend them with my child. Here's the golden rule about Christmas: she gets five presents period! 1 big item, 1 item she wants but I don't necessarily want to get her, 1 item I want her to have, 1 traditional gift she gets every year and 1 item she needs. You would think that with this formula that she would not be excited by her gifts but she is because they are still a surprise to her and the great thing is she remembers what she got and she appreciates them. I want her to focus more on us spending time together and giving rather than receiving. I want her to understand more about why we celebrate the season than to associate it with putting on a happy face because its a season of good cheer even though people are behaving badly. I want her to know its about family even thought its just her and I. That we start the year and end it with each other because after the presents are opened all that is left is the company of family. Our appreciation and joy should rest on the fulfillment and notion that family is what you need because mere things will never carry you as far or as long. The holidays are supposed to be the time when you honor and cherish your family in a relaxed and festive manner. Essentially it should be the celebration of family and loved ones that sets the tone for the holidays. That is want for me and for everyone else in the world. To have a sense of relaxed and fulfilled joy to rejuvenate you those you and those you love with good food, conversation and memories of one another than mean more than the gifts we bought one another.
Here's hoping that you are celebrating the holidays by loving your family and friends with quality time and appreciation because it has been a rough year economically, emotionally and culturally for the world over. This is a year completed with the things we love in tact so that we can love them again next year and hopefully for many years to come.
Here's to those we love, Happy Holidays!
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