No More Storytellers

My father and his father before him are all about the stories. Some of them were the kind that Cosby would tell jokes about..."walked in the snow, uphill, one way and no shoes." They also told stories that were more along the lines of how life came to be for them, for the women in the family and my siblings. The stories were important they taught us about our heritage in its varied and colorful yet sometimes hard and stricken hue. So much can be learned in these stories. So much is gained. Sorted and dysfunctional as my family still is, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by great storytellers growing up. I learned that if your will is strong, bad examples can be just as helpful as good ones.

The funny ones you remember first and often because they make you laugh so hard you almost wet yourself. There are no dry cheeks in the circle and every belly aches into doubling over, laying on the floor contentment. It isn't till you are older or more as you get older that you understand and appreciate the underlying message within the laughter. When was the last time you heard a story about artesians? UFOs? Howabout a good bigfoot story? Everyone has a big fish story, the one that got away. You learn as you laugh.

The ones about family tell you the stuff you need to know about & from whence you came. Through these stories you learn to cook, raise children and understand the fight that it took to get you the leg up in the world. You understand a bit more about the people who supplied you your genes. You appreciate the little bit you have as it promises to turn into the whole lot you will have in comparison. You see the pieces of your self today, tomorrow and hopefully longer into the future. Good, bad or indifferent you learn how to parent and develop your ideals about every aspect of the matter. From great-grandma's pie recipe to Uncle Stan's tenacious optimism the stories told are the kind of warm blankets that you never outgrow, you never throwaway. If you are any kind of parent you will want to wrap your children in the same security, you will want your child submerged in that tribe.

That's the rub, right? Aren't too many of us left that grew up in the kind of environment that lent itself to an adult table and a kid's table at Thanksgiving dinner. Even fewer of us left that grew up with grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins as well as play cousins. The epic stories of a family shape and release grounded and aware human beings. Without the stories that speak to our humanity and the storytellers to tell them we become disconnected and unconcerned. Stories bind the families. Storytellers raise other storytellers that protect our culture. A history unremembered is a history that will soon be the future.

These United States are in dire need of storytellers. Too many cannot cook. Too many look for gangs to fill the void. Too many parents aren't parenting. Too many neighborhoods are without neighbors. Too many children don't know where they came from so their future is at best aimless. Too many communities have forgotten how to commune. You can only feel sorry for those wonder at the state in which we find our country. So much emphasis on money and power has led us away from our duty to fortify our future. In the listening there is a promise to become a part of the tapestry thereby making ourselves and those we love stronger. In the telling there is a duty to usher into the world historians capable to keep us from chaos just by spinning yarns to those they come into contact far and wide.

CH CH Changes

You go along and you have your notions of what is in the world and you cling to them because they are all you have ever known. What happens when you can no longer row alone or if you just don't want to? It is one thing to state you are ready to make changes in your life and its a complete different thing to implement them. When change is thrust upon you then you have no other choice but to walk it out the best you can. I am acutely adept at having change thrust upon me because that is my norm. What I lack is the ability to change after making up my mind that its the best course of action. I will give you some examples that go from small to large, 3 examples to be exact as I am a little wacky about doing things in 3s. These examples all have the same theme, "Asking for Help"

Small Ask
I recently moved again and I didn't want to repeat the sins of the first move so I decided I was going to ask for help. I had grand ideas about how to go about it; one would say they were strategic in nature. I thought of a few people that I have helped in some way and decided I would target them. When it came to asking for help I ended up only asking one person. I have always been told that when making changes in your life make baby step changes. Normally I balk at the notion of a baby step because I am more of a balls out, cards on the table and let the chips fly where they may type of chick but this time I conceded. I asked one person and you know what....I picked the right person. Maria came in and helped me out with packing on 2 different days and it worked out great!!! She was only at my house a total of 3hours and that girl packed more than a 1/3 of my house. Big ups to Maria and her super packing skills. I am taking to have Sushi soon to thank her.

Medium Ask
All the moving and paying of two mortgages this summer left my pockets sad and wanting. Cydni's grandfather had offered to help out financially but I had been putting him off cause he's helped in the past and I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage. Move weekend came and it was looking like I was going to have some rubberized checks. I made the call to take him up on his offer. He was mad at me for taking so long to call but more than willing to help me move and bring money to help with bills too. I hate asking because he's one of those people that has money and I bet his kids are always asking him for some. Maybe its like he said though....it would be different if I asked initially but I didn't he offered and I took him up on that offer. Mad props to gramps for looking out even though I am no longer a part of the family. Since I didn't have the money at the time to get him a good bday or dday present I am plotting a kick ass xmas present for him and Cydni to share and enjoy, a hot air balloon ride!!! It's something he has wanted for a while.

Big Ask
Cydni is sick and we still don't know what is wrong. This is the only time in my life that I have quite literally called everyone I know to ask for prayers. It really sucked making every single one of those calls and repeating that story over and over again but it is well worth the pay back of having folks call you back and ask if I need anything. I am so use to shouldering things alone that I have no concept of what's like to have people care for and about me. Most of my friends and family are far away so what can done from a distance isn't much but what is being done by those I called means a lot to me. I can only express my gratitude as thanks to so many. If I could I would find a special prize for each and every one of the folks that thought enough to call, email, text etc.

It seems like such a silly blog really that as an adult I am just learning to appreciate and utilize asking for help. I have lived a difficult life where people have done nothing but let me down or expected more than I could or should give in return for whatever help I needed. I have been let down and used so much that more than half of my life has been spent not asking for help. I have grown weary of doing things alone. I don't mean that I am looking for a husband, I mean having a reliable support net would nice. I have gotten away from being in a community. I realize that I have done myself a disservice in that regard. I have also realize I have denied others my service as well by not being a part of a family of friends and neighbors in some way. It is a hard habit to break. Its like a conspiracy theorist hanging up his theories for good and accepting things at face value. I imagine he would probably go through withdrawl and cling to what he may consider a conspiracy to cope.

I am glad that good experiences have come out of my recent needs and I hope that instead of a pendulum swing I will enjoy balance.

Cement within my shoes

The people I interact with at work and other places have wind beneath their wings, I have cement within my shoes. It's not that I am not open minded, bright or willing to fly it is very much that I am not able. So many things get in the way of flying and I so want to fly. There are sights, smells, tastes and touches that I want to experience but I am stuck, flightless bird that I am waiting for the turn of thing that once promised me flight.

It is just one big waiting game really. We are all waiting for something. We look like we are walking, running, studying our way to the very thing that we think will make us soar but we aren't. At least I am not anyway. I am sitting here, typing. Mostly procrastinating because I don't want to do my homework. I do want the job that the degree I am working toward will eventually grant me but not so much the labor that is needed. Working for as long as I have in the professional world has made me dull and less motivated to achieve anything except time wasting so that I can make it to my bedtime.

I use to be nothing but a ball of ambition. When the hell did life beat that out of me. I was the kind of person that got more done by 8am than most did all day. Now I am lucky to get anything completed in a single day. There are parts of my personality I want back. Not necessarily my youth because that really never afforded me spoils that were worth being spoiled over.

There is a change in me that needs to happen that use to come from within that is now gone. I cannot fathom to where it went but without it I don't have the passion to put shoes on to walk around and look for it. I don't be old saying "I was fine back in the day" I want to be just as fine when I am old. I don't mean in sight because I never thought that was the case with me anyway. I mean I want to be just as glorious old as I saw myself 10 years ago.

I feel like I have cement in my shoes. I cannot walk, run, dance anymore and I enjoy all of those things. What a shame that when you are flightless bird you cannot find joy in these things either. I imagine that its a bit more than a shame really because of the weight you gain in loss of this exercise. And I so want at least this exercise if I cannot fly.

March Madness....

has nothing to do with basketball in my world. While I like basketball very much its not something that I will watch with bated breath at the edge of my sofa with friends and a beer. I certainly won't be packed into an arena of any sort to watch a game with sweating hot dog aromas and loud obnoxious patrons whose social graces leave me short of dry heaving down the steps on the way to the disgusting restrooms that breed more disease than an overused hypodermic needle. That maybe an exaggeration but you get the quite vivid picture don't you?

March is a crazy month for normally because of the celebration of both Cydni and my birthday. While I don't really celebrate my birthday we do celebrate Cydni's. Actually Cydni's birthday is usually a big deal. I go all out for this day. Our tradition is to play hookie if the day falls on a school day. No work for me and no school for her. Its the girliest day of the year for me too. We get Mani/Pedis and eat great food, maybe see a movie. We buy a new outfit and take pictures too. I love this day with her. I told her years ago that it wasn't just her birthday it was the first time we ever did anything together. We worked really hard to bring her into the world and that this day should be celebrated together because of all the hard work. She loves for me to tell her stories about her birth and all her past birthdays we spent together.

Its funny though that while this singular day and event would seem like nothing much to tackle for a whole month that March is given every year turns out to be a whirlwind of many other things to achieve alongside this celebration. This year my closest friend here in North Carolina is moving back to California. I will be helping her prepare for that transition. Also to help out I may be moving into her condo and renting out my house. So that means packing and moving this month. Then to add insult to injury, Cydni and I are going on a Disney cruise the first week of April so everything has be done before April 5th when we leave for Florida. To top that all off I won't be here when my friend leaves because she leaves for California while we are away on the cruise. So no goodbyes.

It will be a bittersweet month. I am not sure how I will fair. Too much change isn't good especially when lumped altogether like this. oh well, not to quote Gloria Gaynor or anything but...."I will survive"

Going Grey

A good portion of my friends are already going grey or have gone grey. I am just now getting a few strands that folks can see on my head. I already had some strands below that folks couldn't see for quite some time now. Thinking about grey hairs only makes a person think about their life before the grey and what they want their life to be like now that the grey hair has come. There are several areas that are of a concern for me.

Cydni - remains at the top of my concern list not because she is in danger no, more because she's my child and I worry about how I am raising her. I get truly concerned about different aspects of her personality and sense of well being. I watch her behavior and find that I am thinking more about what her habits mean with regards to her ability to care for herself in my absence. This year she will be twelve and we have six years left before she goes off to college. Her father and I both intend to leave North Carolina when that happens. I wonder what affect that will have her sense of stability. Not enough stay here, I have made my sacrifice when it comes to residency and that will end soon. Scary to think of Cydni in New York going to culinary school but its almost breath taking to think of her not pursuing her dreams. I am hoping the next six years reveal something good about my parenting and unsheathe a Cydni that looks able to conquer the world without her mother because her mother will need to be able to seek the creation of a world she has longed for.

Me - So many things to think about at this stage of my life. Through many self sabotaging acts I have kept myself quite single and no closer to becoming a wife again for the better part of Cydni's life. I am fat, tired, ambition-less and now going grey. Not exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to pickings. On my weekends off (Mommy free weekends) I sit at home and read or watch TV. This is the year I become 35 and already I am behaving as if I am 70. The worst of it is this...I don't mind. Most people crack under the realization that they are alone and that status doesn't seem to be changing. I am perfectly well with being alone but I find that odd and concerning that I am well with this status. I am not worried or bored. I am not wanting or looking. I spend the time in my head, in thought. I realized the part of me that wants to share my life is 10% and when I have been in a relationship in the past the problems outside of just not being evenly compatible was that smothered feeling I would get because of the 90% of me that likes living in my head. Relationships don't work well if you spend that much time on the inside. Men say they would like a women that doesn't talk a lot until they date me. I use to think it was the depression but it isn't. I am more internal when I am at home and outside of any professional realm. If it wasn't for Cydni I probably wouldn't speak outside of work.

Profession - This job I have now isn't the most fulfilling but the pay allows for some really necessary things to happen in order for me work toward a career that I am better suited. Since taking this job in July 08, I have been able to begin mending my financial standing. This process has meant a huge burden is lifted so that I can enjoy more of Cydni and our life. The worrying that I did about making ends meet was so great it changed me and strained my relationship with Cydni because I was always stressed out about it. I am grateful that I have a job now that allows me to live and provide like I want. I find the unfulfilled state in my profession is less bothersome than the strain of making ends meet. It helps that I am attending school to give me the sense of working toward a career goal that that will change all that and give me a sense of purpose in my work.

School - It isn't hard, I just don't want to go. Several years ago when I went back to college I was so excited and so committed to going that I was the pain in the ass know it all in class that everyone hates. Now that I am back at it again its all I can do to turn in assignments on time. The topics are interesting and coursework is relatively easy but I can't seem to muster the ambition to do what is necessary in a timely manner. I don't know how to get and stay motivated about school. I know that I have to finish this time if I am ever going to get into the career I want. I can't work in this profession without a degree. Its nothing like working in the IT department where I can just work my way up. To even get my foot in the door I have to have a masters degree. I am 2 years away from my bachelors. The goal is to get through a masters program before Cydni graduates high school. I better get some ambition soon huh?

What does all this have to do with going grey? Well its the look at your life that makes you consider that you may not be where you are suppose to be and the grey in you hair that tells you that the time you have left is getting smaller. I have to decide how much of what I want it feasible and how much is just wishful thinking. Getting Cydni ready to be in the world without me is quite feasible. It is the most sure of all the things that I will achieve. The rest are things that I will need to really work on and maybe they stay background things until Cydni does go to school and maybe they are never going to happen things. I am curious to see what is what in the end but I also wonder how much of what I feel and think is all because of the physical manifestation that time to achieve is dwindling.

With all that is going on in the world at large as well as with my more immediate realm its silly to wonder or consider such intangible and trivial of issues. Life will unfold as it should with or without my consideration, it just goes more enjoyably with my participation or so I hope. Which makes me think about my sense of enjoyment when considering my life but that is a topic for another blog.