Going Grey

A good portion of my friends are already going grey or have gone grey. I am just now getting a few strands that folks can see on my head. I already had some strands below that folks couldn't see for quite some time now. Thinking about grey hairs only makes a person think about their life before the grey and what they want their life to be like now that the grey hair has come. There are several areas that are of a concern for me.

Cydni - remains at the top of my concern list not because she is in danger no, more because she's my child and I worry about how I am raising her. I get truly concerned about different aspects of her personality and sense of well being. I watch her behavior and find that I am thinking more about what her habits mean with regards to her ability to care for herself in my absence. This year she will be twelve and we have six years left before she goes off to college. Her father and I both intend to leave North Carolina when that happens. I wonder what affect that will have her sense of stability. Not enough stay here, I have made my sacrifice when it comes to residency and that will end soon. Scary to think of Cydni in New York going to culinary school but its almost breath taking to think of her not pursuing her dreams. I am hoping the next six years reveal something good about my parenting and unsheathe a Cydni that looks able to conquer the world without her mother because her mother will need to be able to seek the creation of a world she has longed for.

Me - So many things to think about at this stage of my life. Through many self sabotaging acts I have kept myself quite single and no closer to becoming a wife again for the better part of Cydni's life. I am fat, tired, ambition-less and now going grey. Not exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to pickings. On my weekends off (Mommy free weekends) I sit at home and read or watch TV. This is the year I become 35 and already I am behaving as if I am 70. The worst of it is this...I don't mind. Most people crack under the realization that they are alone and that status doesn't seem to be changing. I am perfectly well with being alone but I find that odd and concerning that I am well with this status. I am not worried or bored. I am not wanting or looking. I spend the time in my head, in thought. I realized the part of me that wants to share my life is 10% and when I have been in a relationship in the past the problems outside of just not being evenly compatible was that smothered feeling I would get because of the 90% of me that likes living in my head. Relationships don't work well if you spend that much time on the inside. Men say they would like a women that doesn't talk a lot until they date me. I use to think it was the depression but it isn't. I am more internal when I am at home and outside of any professional realm. If it wasn't for Cydni I probably wouldn't speak outside of work.

Profession - This job I have now isn't the most fulfilling but the pay allows for some really necessary things to happen in order for me work toward a career that I am better suited. Since taking this job in July 08, I have been able to begin mending my financial standing. This process has meant a huge burden is lifted so that I can enjoy more of Cydni and our life. The worrying that I did about making ends meet was so great it changed me and strained my relationship with Cydni because I was always stressed out about it. I am grateful that I have a job now that allows me to live and provide like I want. I find the unfulfilled state in my profession is less bothersome than the strain of making ends meet. It helps that I am attending school to give me the sense of working toward a career goal that that will change all that and give me a sense of purpose in my work.

School - It isn't hard, I just don't want to go. Several years ago when I went back to college I was so excited and so committed to going that I was the pain in the ass know it all in class that everyone hates. Now that I am back at it again its all I can do to turn in assignments on time. The topics are interesting and coursework is relatively easy but I can't seem to muster the ambition to do what is necessary in a timely manner. I don't know how to get and stay motivated about school. I know that I have to finish this time if I am ever going to get into the career I want. I can't work in this profession without a degree. Its nothing like working in the IT department where I can just work my way up. To even get my foot in the door I have to have a masters degree. I am 2 years away from my bachelors. The goal is to get through a masters program before Cydni graduates high school. I better get some ambition soon huh?

What does all this have to do with going grey? Well its the look at your life that makes you consider that you may not be where you are suppose to be and the grey in you hair that tells you that the time you have left is getting smaller. I have to decide how much of what I want it feasible and how much is just wishful thinking. Getting Cydni ready to be in the world without me is quite feasible. It is the most sure of all the things that I will achieve. The rest are things that I will need to really work on and maybe they stay background things until Cydni does go to school and maybe they are never going to happen things. I am curious to see what is what in the end but I also wonder how much of what I feel and think is all because of the physical manifestation that time to achieve is dwindling.

With all that is going on in the world at large as well as with my more immediate realm its silly to wonder or consider such intangible and trivial of issues. Life will unfold as it should with or without my consideration, it just goes more enjoyably with my participation or so I hope. Which makes me think about my sense of enjoyment when considering my life but that is a topic for another blog.