Don't Give Up, Grow Up.

The south is a billion strong in churches.  On Falls of Neuse Rd for about a 3 mile stretch there are like 13 churches.  The road is a lot longer than 3 miles and that is an impressive number of churches for such a short bit of it.  On the main road on the way to my house is a baptist church and I drive by it numerous times a day.  Its billboard is full of great scripture, sayings and bbq sales.  Each side has a different message so that you when you are going you get a little tidbit of something and when you are coming you get a little different tidbit of something else.  Just remember that little bit it will be important later.

The church I was attending at the time had these home groups and I was trying one out try to get better at trusting people in a very general sense.  We met once a week and talked about general life stuff as well a spiritual stuff.  I decided I would share something.  A small story about my first encounter with a church member during the time when I was really new to the church.  It was small, funny and a little embarrassing but not so much for me as it was for the church member.  He was well known for his personality quirks so it was safe story to tell, I thought.  This is where I need to explain that the rules of the group was the stories and information shared wouldn't leave the group.  Well that last sentence should tell you what happened next....yep someone repeated the story to the person it involved and yes he confronted me at a church function.  I was mortified.  My sense of trust in humanity is always shaken by the little things.  I know why people fail in the big moments and I can for give them of those things in those times but its the small overlook of general courtesy and polite gestures of kindness that make me sad.  Those acts are so easy and take nothing yet give everything.

One day when I was driving home from work I was talking on the phone about the situation to my best friend.  I decided that I was going to quit the home group and stop going to the church.  I have trust issues and small indiscretions make me walk away because seriously if you cannot handle the small things then the big things are destined to be catastrophic with that person and I try to avoid that like the plague.  My best friend and I had our chat and I told her my intentions and she understood so we hung up the phone.  I get to the stretch of road where the baptist church is and the side of the sign visible to me says "Don't Give Up, Grow Up."  I call my best friend back and tell her I will be at the next meeting.  I have never been a quitter.  I have been known to lay down and lick my wounds whilst contemplating my next move but an all out white flag is just not in my DNA.  My intent was to go to the next meeting, log my compliant and rejoin my quest to believing in people.  There was no next group meeting.  The group dissolved.

Every time I pass the church I think about that one billboard post.  I think it applies to so much and I try to see where I can do exactly that....grow up.  My circle is small because my ability to trust is immature and fearful.  I want to trust but many of my encounters with people close or simply acquainted has been disappointing and left me wanting.  Sorrows of humanity begin with the lack of trust as well as the lack of trustworthiness.  To that it seems useless to spend the time trusting in people and when that thought enters my mind I think of the billboard.  I think about how my best friend says that my picker is broken.  I think about the time my father told me to stop picking up stray dogs.  I think that instead of giving up, I should grow up (mature) my way of seeing the world and the people in it.  Some people you can love through their flaws and others need to be cast aside as they will only do more harm than good to keep them in your life.  Knowing the difference is a super power.  Having the courage to let go without losing faith in humanity is a survival tactic.

So every time I pass that church (which is at least twice a day) I read both sides of the billboard wondering if God will send me another gem to heal my heart, clear my view and mature my soul.

Cape-less Heroes

Humans from small to big are enamored with their heroes; comics, parents, teachers, coaches, etc.  As children our first hero was our father, at least for most of us it was...My dad, intelligent giant with the heart that could've only been created by the great I AM.  To say that I love my dad is an understatement of seismic proportions.  He is an amazing man in his achievements, decisions and in his morality.  He without a doubt was my number one hero.  Here's the truth of the matter...he wasn't there when the bad things happened and he was last on the scene.  I remember the day I realized that my hero was cape-less.  With little girls their daddies fall off their pedestal and it is a normal part of moving into adulthood.  Its how we move into the reality that all people are flawed including those we hold high above all else.  It's the first lesson in this concept we suffer but it is not the last.  Now this is a generalization because for those of you daughters who have not known your father then its a father figure or the next significant adult in your life.  A similar thing happens with little boys and their mothers I am sure but can only assume.

Various people come in and out of your life and you find that disappointment in the form of cape-less heroes is as common as the trees of North Carolina not just in their number but their variety.  These random heroes are friends, neighbors, boy/girlfriends and co-workers of the military and civilian walks of life, less likely on the military side (Go NAVY!)  We deal in a variety of ways ranging from blame to denial to seclusion but no one can handle the coping mechanism for long because evolution of human in the physical, emotional and spiritual is inevitable.  At some point your mechanism is no long sufficient because its holding you back more than its propelling you forward and the act of change compels.

As a single person you try to maintain your optimism that every new "one" has the potential of being the last one.  Hope this is the most useless of actions, in my opinion, because its not an action at all but it keeps your optimism in a place of reasonable level that you don't drown in despair.  Despair is kept at bay, for me, by faith.  Faith there's a plan, faith there's a purpose, faith that an explanation no matter how far out of my understanding can be had and dictate the course of life.  If you get close enough to someone to tell them your fears, your desires and/or vision of the future then you have decided that they are your everyday hero.  They might be the one that will help you make sense of the damage to your heart and quiet the sorrows your eyes have seen and your soul yet carries.  You share and they share.  If it ends, your faith is shaken and the cape-less hero is now the villain that robbed a little piece of your soul.  You'll get it back that is assured but this is a lesson in humanity that stays longer than being disappointed by your dad or your kids.  If you aren't careful this could be the last lesson you learn as you contemplate where in the spectrum you plot yourself for the better part of your adulthood:

blame------------------------denial------------------------seclusion

Plot but don't stay too long.

I Need a Mixtape.

Raised in the 80s has done something to my sense of coping and how it really should be done.  When times get tough they just seem to need a soundtrack in order to see it through.

If you were born in that time or have parents who couldn't let this period go you know that a mixtape is the medicine and voice of the heart. If you were sad over a recent breakup chances are you sang Lisa Lisa's part in "All Cried Out" with the intensity Lisa herself couldn't muster. If you were wooing a girl you may have been prone to the whining style of Keith Sweat in "I wanna her" or maybe you were more smooth and leaned more toward Kool & the Gang with "Fresh". Doesn't really matter what you were in to because once you made the tape that took you all weekend long on to make on the cool looking Memorex cassette

you gave it a title, inscribed the card that came with it so that all the songs and artists were properly documented then you may have even added your own graffiti street name to top it off. Come Monday you were either immersed in your new mixtape or had bequeathed it via locker delivery to its intended recipient. The feeling of accomplishment was a like a weight had been lifted and you had just completed your dissertation for a doctorate in love and/or heart break as the case maybe. My favorite of the mixtape kings out there are those who were clever enough to attach a letter with said mixtape explaining why we received such a gift. The reason this is marvelous accompaniment is it usually meant the titles of the songs in the mixtape were incorporated in the letter and underlined for effect. Where are those passionate boys today I wonder.

These days its a playlist. Though saying "I need a playlist" hardly has the meaning and strength that is needed when one gets to the point of musical expression as means of leaving through matters of the heart. So I will stick with my dated tagline, tell a little of why I need one then share the one I put together. Careful before you get excited, I am going to say one sentence about why because the music is more important than the why. The reason these songs were chosen however is for the lyrics and shear musical emotion they invoke when held by the music that entraps them.

So the reason for my mixtape is the loss of a boyfriend by way of me being let go of by him but the important bit is the loss of one my best friends.  The real tragedy is he is one of the four people I would run to in times likes these. (I know that was two sentences but in fairness one explained and the other commented.)  C'est La Vie according to Robbie Nevil, right.

Mix Tape Title: Adiós mi amante y amigo
Mixtape Songs & Artists:
The Space Between (Dave Matthews)
Sideways (Citizen Cope)
Do What You Have to Do (Sarah McLachlan)
Shine (Sevendust)
Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)
You Learn (Alanis Morrisette)
Misery (Pink featuring Steve Tyler)
Jar Of Heart (Christina Perri)
Anotherloverholenyohead (Prince)
Tear in Your Hand (Tori Amos)
Sail On (Commodores)
Big Yellow Taxi (Counting Crows & Vanessa Carlton)
Let Him Fly (Dixie Chicks)

The letter would read something like:

The space between is growing infinitely it seems and even in the sideways rain of tears I still feel you should be here with me. But when faced with decisions like these you do what you have to do in the hopes that one day again you will shine. It will always be in my heart, somewhere only we know the memory of us will reside for keeps. You learn about yourself, the love you give and the fact will still remains nothing replaces a friend who is also a lover. Misery will cloud me for a long time I know but i will try not to contribute to the jar of hearts that have given up on themselves. So early in this process I can't help but to feel like I need anotherloverholnyohead like I need two heart for the breaking. As I sail on and you take a big yellow taxi away from us I will remember that I let him fly if only to maintain my dignity.

Adiós mi amante y amigo


What's on your mixtape?