Don't Give Up, Grow Up.

The south is a billion strong in churches.  On Falls of Neuse Rd for about a 3 mile stretch there are like 13 churches.  The road is a lot longer than 3 miles and that is an impressive number of churches for such a short bit of it.  On the main road on the way to my house is a baptist church and I drive by it numerous times a day.  Its billboard is full of great scripture, sayings and bbq sales.  Each side has a different message so that you when you are going you get a little tidbit of something and when you are coming you get a little different tidbit of something else.  Just remember that little bit it will be important later.

The church I was attending at the time had these home groups and I was trying one out try to get better at trusting people in a very general sense.  We met once a week and talked about general life stuff as well a spiritual stuff.  I decided I would share something.  A small story about my first encounter with a church member during the time when I was really new to the church.  It was small, funny and a little embarrassing but not so much for me as it was for the church member.  He was well known for his personality quirks so it was safe story to tell, I thought.  This is where I need to explain that the rules of the group was the stories and information shared wouldn't leave the group.  Well that last sentence should tell you what happened next....yep someone repeated the story to the person it involved and yes he confronted me at a church function.  I was mortified.  My sense of trust in humanity is always shaken by the little things.  I know why people fail in the big moments and I can for give them of those things in those times but its the small overlook of general courtesy and polite gestures of kindness that make me sad.  Those acts are so easy and take nothing yet give everything.

One day when I was driving home from work I was talking on the phone about the situation to my best friend.  I decided that I was going to quit the home group and stop going to the church.  I have trust issues and small indiscretions make me walk away because seriously if you cannot handle the small things then the big things are destined to be catastrophic with that person and I try to avoid that like the plague.  My best friend and I had our chat and I told her my intentions and she understood so we hung up the phone.  I get to the stretch of road where the baptist church is and the side of the sign visible to me says "Don't Give Up, Grow Up."  I call my best friend back and tell her I will be at the next meeting.  I have never been a quitter.  I have been known to lay down and lick my wounds whilst contemplating my next move but an all out white flag is just not in my DNA.  My intent was to go to the next meeting, log my compliant and rejoin my quest to believing in people.  There was no next group meeting.  The group dissolved.

Every time I pass the church I think about that one billboard post.  I think it applies to so much and I try to see where I can do exactly that....grow up.  My circle is small because my ability to trust is immature and fearful.  I want to trust but many of my encounters with people close or simply acquainted has been disappointing and left me wanting.  Sorrows of humanity begin with the lack of trust as well as the lack of trustworthiness.  To that it seems useless to spend the time trusting in people and when that thought enters my mind I think of the billboard.  I think about how my best friend says that my picker is broken.  I think about the time my father told me to stop picking up stray dogs.  I think that instead of giving up, I should grow up (mature) my way of seeing the world and the people in it.  Some people you can love through their flaws and others need to be cast aside as they will only do more harm than good to keep them in your life.  Knowing the difference is a super power.  Having the courage to let go without losing faith in humanity is a survival tactic.

So every time I pass that church (which is at least twice a day) I read both sides of the billboard wondering if God will send me another gem to heal my heart, clear my view and mature my soul.

Cape-less Heroes

Humans from small to big are enamored with their heroes; comics, parents, teachers, coaches, etc.  As children our first hero was our father, at least for most of us it was...My dad, intelligent giant with the heart that could've only been created by the great I AM.  To say that I love my dad is an understatement of seismic proportions.  He is an amazing man in his achievements, decisions and in his morality.  He without a doubt was my number one hero.  Here's the truth of the matter...he wasn't there when the bad things happened and he was last on the scene.  I remember the day I realized that my hero was cape-less.  With little girls their daddies fall off their pedestal and it is a normal part of moving into adulthood.  Its how we move into the reality that all people are flawed including those we hold high above all else.  It's the first lesson in this concept we suffer but it is not the last.  Now this is a generalization because for those of you daughters who have not known your father then its a father figure or the next significant adult in your life.  A similar thing happens with little boys and their mothers I am sure but can only assume.

Various people come in and out of your life and you find that disappointment in the form of cape-less heroes is as common as the trees of North Carolina not just in their number but their variety.  These random heroes are friends, neighbors, boy/girlfriends and co-workers of the military and civilian walks of life, less likely on the military side (Go NAVY!)  We deal in a variety of ways ranging from blame to denial to seclusion but no one can handle the coping mechanism for long because evolution of human in the physical, emotional and spiritual is inevitable.  At some point your mechanism is no long sufficient because its holding you back more than its propelling you forward and the act of change compels.

As a single person you try to maintain your optimism that every new "one" has the potential of being the last one.  Hope this is the most useless of actions, in my opinion, because its not an action at all but it keeps your optimism in a place of reasonable level that you don't drown in despair.  Despair is kept at bay, for me, by faith.  Faith there's a plan, faith there's a purpose, faith that an explanation no matter how far out of my understanding can be had and dictate the course of life.  If you get close enough to someone to tell them your fears, your desires and/or vision of the future then you have decided that they are your everyday hero.  They might be the one that will help you make sense of the damage to your heart and quiet the sorrows your eyes have seen and your soul yet carries.  You share and they share.  If it ends, your faith is shaken and the cape-less hero is now the villain that robbed a little piece of your soul.  You'll get it back that is assured but this is a lesson in humanity that stays longer than being disappointed by your dad or your kids.  If you aren't careful this could be the last lesson you learn as you contemplate where in the spectrum you plot yourself for the better part of your adulthood:

blame------------------------denial------------------------seclusion

Plot but don't stay too long.

I Need a Mixtape.

Raised in the 80s has done something to my sense of coping and how it really should be done.  When times get tough they just seem to need a soundtrack in order to see it through.

If you were born in that time or have parents who couldn't let this period go you know that a mixtape is the medicine and voice of the heart. If you were sad over a recent breakup chances are you sang Lisa Lisa's part in "All Cried Out" with the intensity Lisa herself couldn't muster. If you were wooing a girl you may have been prone to the whining style of Keith Sweat in "I wanna her" or maybe you were more smooth and leaned more toward Kool & the Gang with "Fresh". Doesn't really matter what you were in to because once you made the tape that took you all weekend long on to make on the cool looking Memorex cassette

you gave it a title, inscribed the card that came with it so that all the songs and artists were properly documented then you may have even added your own graffiti street name to top it off. Come Monday you were either immersed in your new mixtape or had bequeathed it via locker delivery to its intended recipient. The feeling of accomplishment was a like a weight had been lifted and you had just completed your dissertation for a doctorate in love and/or heart break as the case maybe. My favorite of the mixtape kings out there are those who were clever enough to attach a letter with said mixtape explaining why we received such a gift. The reason this is marvelous accompaniment is it usually meant the titles of the songs in the mixtape were incorporated in the letter and underlined for effect. Where are those passionate boys today I wonder.

These days its a playlist. Though saying "I need a playlist" hardly has the meaning and strength that is needed when one gets to the point of musical expression as means of leaving through matters of the heart. So I will stick with my dated tagline, tell a little of why I need one then share the one I put together. Careful before you get excited, I am going to say one sentence about why because the music is more important than the why. The reason these songs were chosen however is for the lyrics and shear musical emotion they invoke when held by the music that entraps them.

So the reason for my mixtape is the loss of a boyfriend by way of me being let go of by him but the important bit is the loss of one my best friends.  The real tragedy is he is one of the four people I would run to in times likes these. (I know that was two sentences but in fairness one explained and the other commented.)  C'est La Vie according to Robbie Nevil, right.

Mix Tape Title: Adiós mi amante y amigo
Mixtape Songs & Artists:
The Space Between (Dave Matthews)
Sideways (Citizen Cope)
Do What You Have to Do (Sarah McLachlan)
Shine (Sevendust)
Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)
You Learn (Alanis Morrisette)
Misery (Pink featuring Steve Tyler)
Jar Of Heart (Christina Perri)
Anotherloverholenyohead (Prince)
Tear in Your Hand (Tori Amos)
Sail On (Commodores)
Big Yellow Taxi (Counting Crows & Vanessa Carlton)
Let Him Fly (Dixie Chicks)

The letter would read something like:

The space between is growing infinitely it seems and even in the sideways rain of tears I still feel you should be here with me. But when faced with decisions like these you do what you have to do in the hopes that one day again you will shine. It will always be in my heart, somewhere only we know the memory of us will reside for keeps. You learn about yourself, the love you give and the fact will still remains nothing replaces a friend who is also a lover. Misery will cloud me for a long time I know but i will try not to contribute to the jar of hearts that have given up on themselves. So early in this process I can't help but to feel like I need anotherloverholnyohead like I need two heart for the breaking. As I sail on and you take a big yellow taxi away from us I will remember that I let him fly if only to maintain my dignity.

Adiós mi amante y amigo


What's on your mixtape?

Some things should remain covered while in public

Freedom of expression in all its glory can be a blessing to an individual and a curse to those viewing. I am all for folks expressing themselves through fashion because I think that it can be a contagious and inspiring way to see someone. I don't mean simply judging a book though we cannot help ourselves from doing just that even in its most "innocent" and small increments. Since I have mentioned the judging aspect of fashion and expressing oneself through clothing let me make this one bold statement, "let's not reveal things (body parts) that shouldn't be seen with our fashion choices."

I hopped in my car early Tuesday morning on my way to put air in my tires after the alarms in my car went off indicating they were low. As I pull up to the side were the air compressor thingy is there is another lady parked there using it. I sit and wait and with nothing to look at in semi-dark I catch a glimpse of the lady that is putting air her tires. She looks to be in here late twenties early thirties. She's not especially thin or attractive but neither am I so no biggie there. She is however wearing what seems to be a black catsuit-like dress that has circles cut out of the sides. Okay, I wouldn't have chosen this attire for 6:45am but I am still not judging until.....she goes to put air the tires on the side of the car within my view. The so called dress is so short that when bent over once can see all the things you shouldn't show to anyone but your husband and your OB/GYN. I was praying for immediate blindness!

If you want to be taken seriously, find a husband, get a job, go clubbin' or whatever it is you are doing then you should apply simple decency rules within your fashion choice lexicon. I feel this way about all fashion in all occasions. Here's what happens when you don't....people will inherently apply stereotypes to you that may or may not be true. While I don't think this is fair because on principle I hate stereotypes but you almost deserve the application when you make bad choices. Dressing provocative I am down for, as it is appropriate, but dressing R rated in public makes me sad and angry.

There is a fine line between fashionista and public menace. When you're walking that line its better to land on the fashionista side of things every time. Just my two cents as a helpful and concerned citizen.

Connected

There are so many ways to feel like you are a part of something. In much of what humans do is all in the quest to be and feel like you aren't the island you thought you were. You can be tapped into a various amount of things that have a spread spectrum networking to each aspect of life and still quest for the pieces that are just beyond your reach. There are the majors like sex in the way that passion elevates it to more than that or love, family, friends and for those that are spiritual (religious) a church. The search for the missing pieces is intense, unyielding and for some with less paths than others its a life quest of self.

The human psyche is seen to encompass three main parts; the soul, self and the mind. To me this means that the quest for networking and searching and finding these pieces is so that we can find ourselves. Being human we complete the blanks through comparison. We cannot help ourselves but to compare against others to measure ourselves so that we know where we stand. Its like lining up by height and figuring out who to stand next to in grade school. The only way to know where you stand is to watch as the line forms. Finding that place is satisfying because now you know where to stand and why and therefore gives you some insight into who you are and that meant one less piece to find.

We don't admit it but so much of who we are is given to us by each other. I don't mean it in a way that we are being cloned more like we are being formed by them like clay on its way to being a bowl. Our experiences and contrasting them with what we see in others helps to explain our inner selves. We are still individuals with separate senses of self and mind. What if our souls are part of a collective energy? It would stand to reason that physical separation would only leave longing. We do the silly, the amazing, the challenging and the defying to complete the triskill that is the human psyche. If our original state was a collective wouldn't it make sense to reconnect? These connections become the quest. The quest to marry, to have kids, to form/reconciliate a family, to find a church, belong to a group, a philosophy, or some other collective to feel and know that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and complete 3 part psyche.

I have done more than a poor job of this...one could say I have not only given up but have failed my quest. The downside of the quest to connect is the failure to find like minded individuals. In connecting with others you are ultimately looking for acceptance. Those groups of people that make you feel like you are 'normal.' The world is more vivid in color when viewing it with those who see it they way you do. If you are always questioned and ridiculed for your view then you are less likely to share. Not sharing can keep others as well as yourself from full self-actualization. Loss of self-actualization is death to one's soul. Its a death that while silent is still impactful to the collective from which it came.

The value of variety is measured everywhere and in everything we do. We understand most acutely is that if were all the same that groupthink would keep us from moving forward lacking the benefit of invention or ingenuity. While necessity would keep us on the slow ride forward variety is still the ingredient that keeps us at the top of the food chain. What isn't measured as often nor valued as much is the ability to connect. The connections we make maintains our humanity, feeds our sense of self, quiets the mind, and nourishes the soul to completeness. In the end all we really want to be is connected.

With the passing of yet another birthday, I am reminded that I have given up this quest and what that might mean to my development and sense of inner peace. I am faced with deciding to either change or risk atrophy.

Your time, like mine, is NOW!

Okay its a recession I get it and people all over are angry; I get that too. Here's what I don't get...5 years ago you were angry when you were making 6 figures too. Help me. How is it that you can walk around pist at the world because you can't manage with plenty talking about 'mo money, mo problems' and now be even more pist when its been taken away. You are looking back talking about how good it was then and you had it all. You don't remember having problems then nor the days you spent ranting about your burdens when you were blessed. Now its gone and in your reflection on the past it was all roses and gumdrops. This time of national hardship could be spent better by us all. If we could work on our humanity as hard and as diligently as we do the advancement of technology and the pursuit of increased capital we would be in good shape no matter the economy. Individually we could spend time with the family that has been suffering in 3rd, 4th and even 5th place behind work and money. We could invest on mending and reinventing ourselves after all life doesn't play with kid gloves so there is nothing wrong with taking care of #1 from time to time. Plenty of constructive things that could be done while waiting for America to finish licking its wounds and heal. Plenty of things that don't include self-immobilization by way of making the past more fantastical than it was.

Seldom do we live in the present. If we aren't looking into the future, we have our heads stuck in the past. I know that times are hard for many and it doesn't seem to be getting any better any time soon but the cycle has to be broken. Appreciation must be felt some where in the present for some thing even the smallest of things. Acceptance would be good if you cannot muster appreciation. Living in this moment with a mind set to see it as it is so later you will still recognize it what it was and not for what it should have been nor as a comparison of what isn't. It would be a challenge because we always want to compare and categorize things and nothing is exempt.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking, "it all could be better if I just....." The truth of the matter is I am so far from where I started in such a positive way that if I stopped all self-improvement now my successes would be enough to see me through to the end. I complain just like everyone else but I need to stop, no I want to stop. When I honestly look back on things, I remember complaining then too and now those are the days that I envy. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. Some things make me sad and some quite angry while others still fill me with longing. At the end of each and every journey I take I leave with the question, how will I feel about this moment when I look back on it? How will I compare it? And you know, I feel like if I live this present as if it were my favorite memory then maybe it will be.

Looking into the past or daydreaming about the future can only keep you from spending your now with the intent that the present deserves. The circumstances of now may be far less than desirable but how you spend your time in it can give you life. Not to be incredibly cliche but really it comes to simply this: your time, like mine, is NOW! Get in the middle and spend it wisely.

No More Storytellers

My father and his father before him are all about the stories. Some of them were the kind that Cosby would tell jokes about..."walked in the snow, uphill, one way and no shoes." They also told stories that were more along the lines of how life came to be for them, for the women in the family and my siblings. The stories were important they taught us about our heritage in its varied and colorful yet sometimes hard and stricken hue. So much can be learned in these stories. So much is gained. Sorted and dysfunctional as my family still is, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by great storytellers growing up. I learned that if your will is strong, bad examples can be just as helpful as good ones.

The funny ones you remember first and often because they make you laugh so hard you almost wet yourself. There are no dry cheeks in the circle and every belly aches into doubling over, laying on the floor contentment. It isn't till you are older or more as you get older that you understand and appreciate the underlying message within the laughter. When was the last time you heard a story about artesians? UFOs? Howabout a good bigfoot story? Everyone has a big fish story, the one that got away. You learn as you laugh.

The ones about family tell you the stuff you need to know about & from whence you came. Through these stories you learn to cook, raise children and understand the fight that it took to get you the leg up in the world. You understand a bit more about the people who supplied you your genes. You appreciate the little bit you have as it promises to turn into the whole lot you will have in comparison. You see the pieces of your self today, tomorrow and hopefully longer into the future. Good, bad or indifferent you learn how to parent and develop your ideals about every aspect of the matter. From great-grandma's pie recipe to Uncle Stan's tenacious optimism the stories told are the kind of warm blankets that you never outgrow, you never throwaway. If you are any kind of parent you will want to wrap your children in the same security, you will want your child submerged in that tribe.

That's the rub, right? Aren't too many of us left that grew up in the kind of environment that lent itself to an adult table and a kid's table at Thanksgiving dinner. Even fewer of us left that grew up with grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins as well as play cousins. The epic stories of a family shape and release grounded and aware human beings. Without the stories that speak to our humanity and the storytellers to tell them we become disconnected and unconcerned. Stories bind the families. Storytellers raise other storytellers that protect our culture. A history unremembered is a history that will soon be the future.

These United States are in dire need of storytellers. Too many cannot cook. Too many look for gangs to fill the void. Too many parents aren't parenting. Too many neighborhoods are without neighbors. Too many children don't know where they came from so their future is at best aimless. Too many communities have forgotten how to commune. You can only feel sorry for those wonder at the state in which we find our country. So much emphasis on money and power has led us away from our duty to fortify our future. In the listening there is a promise to become a part of the tapestry thereby making ourselves and those we love stronger. In the telling there is a duty to usher into the world historians capable to keep us from chaos just by spinning yarns to those they come into contact far and wide.