There are so many ways to feel like you are a part of something. In much of what humans do is all in the quest to be and feel like you aren't the island you thought you were. You can be tapped into a various amount of things that have a spread spectrum networking to each aspect of life and still quest for the pieces that are just beyond your reach. There are the majors like sex in the way that passion elevates it to more than that or love, family, friends and for those that are spiritual (religious) a church. The search for the missing pieces is intense, unyielding and for some with less paths than others its a life quest of self.
The human psyche is seen to encompass three main parts; the soul, self and the mind. To me this means that the quest for networking and searching and finding these pieces is so that we can find ourselves. Being human we complete the blanks through comparison. We cannot help ourselves but to compare against others to measure ourselves so that we know where we stand. Its like lining up by height and figuring out who to stand next to in grade school. The only way to know where you stand is to watch as the line forms. Finding that place is satisfying because now you know where to stand and why and therefore gives you some insight into who you are and that meant one less piece to find.
We don't admit it but so much of who we are is given to us by each other. I don't mean it in a way that we are being cloned more like we are being formed by them like clay on its way to being a bowl. Our experiences and contrasting them with what we see in others helps to explain our inner selves. We are still individuals with separate senses of self and mind. What if our souls are part of a collective energy? It would stand to reason that physical separation would only leave longing. We do the silly, the amazing, the challenging and the defying to complete the triskill that is the human psyche. If our original state was a collective wouldn't it make sense to reconnect? These connections become the quest. The quest to marry, to have kids, to form/reconciliate a family, to find a church, belong to a group, a philosophy, or some other collective to feel and know that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and complete 3 part psyche.
I have done more than a poor job of this...one could say I have not only given up but have failed my quest. The downside of the quest to connect is the failure to find like minded individuals. In connecting with others you are ultimately looking for acceptance. Those groups of people that make you feel like you are 'normal.' The world is more vivid in color when viewing it with those who see it they way you do. If you are always questioned and ridiculed for your view then you are less likely to share. Not sharing can keep others as well as yourself from full self-actualization. Loss of self-actualization is death to one's soul. Its a death that while silent is still impactful to the collective from which it came.
The value of variety is measured everywhere and in everything we do. We understand most acutely is that if were all the same that groupthink would keep us from moving forward lacking the benefit of invention or ingenuity. While necessity would keep us on the slow ride forward variety is still the ingredient that keeps us at the top of the food chain. What isn't measured as often nor valued as much is the ability to connect. The connections we make maintains our humanity, feeds our sense of self, quiets the mind, and nourishes the soul to completeness. In the end all we really want to be is connected.
With the passing of yet another birthday, I am reminded that I have given up this quest and what that might mean to my development and sense of inner peace. I am faced with deciding to either change or risk atrophy.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Your time, like mine, is NOW!
Okay its a recession I get it and people all over are angry; I get that too. Here's what I don't get...5 years ago you were angry when you were making 6 figures too. Help me. How is it that you can walk around pist at the world because you can't manage with plenty talking about 'mo money, mo problems' and now be even more pist when its been taken away. You are looking back talking about how good it was then and you had it all. You don't remember having problems then nor the days you spent ranting about your burdens when you were blessed. Now its gone and in your reflection on the past it was all roses and gumdrops. This time of national hardship could be spent better by us all. If we could work on our humanity as hard and as diligently as we do the advancement of technology and the pursuit of increased capital we would be in good shape no matter the economy. Individually we could spend time with the family that has been suffering in 3rd, 4th and even 5th place behind work and money. We could invest on mending and reinventing ourselves after all life doesn't play with kid gloves so there is nothing wrong with taking care of #1 from time to time. Plenty of constructive things that could be done while waiting for America to finish licking its wounds and heal. Plenty of things that don't include self-immobilization by way of making the past more fantastical than it was.
Seldom do we live in the present. If we aren't looking into the future, we have our heads stuck in the past. I know that times are hard for many and it doesn't seem to be getting any better any time soon but the cycle has to be broken. Appreciation must be felt some where in the present for some thing even the smallest of things. Acceptance would be good if you cannot muster appreciation. Living in this moment with a mind set to see it as it is so later you will still recognize it what it was and not for what it should have been nor as a comparison of what isn't. It would be a challenge because we always want to compare and categorize things and nothing is exempt.
Every now and then I catch myself thinking, "it all could be better if I just....." The truth of the matter is I am so far from where I started in such a positive way that if I stopped all self-improvement now my successes would be enough to see me through to the end. I complain just like everyone else but I need to stop, no I want to stop. When I honestly look back on things, I remember complaining then too and now those are the days that I envy. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. Some things make me sad and some quite angry while others still fill me with longing. At the end of each and every journey I take I leave with the question, how will I feel about this moment when I look back on it? How will I compare it? And you know, I feel like if I live this present as if it were my favorite memory then maybe it will be.
Looking into the past or daydreaming about the future can only keep you from spending your now with the intent that the present deserves. The circumstances of now may be far less than desirable but how you spend your time in it can give you life. Not to be incredibly cliche but really it comes to simply this: your time, like mine, is NOW! Get in the middle and spend it wisely.
Seldom do we live in the present. If we aren't looking into the future, we have our heads stuck in the past. I know that times are hard for many and it doesn't seem to be getting any better any time soon but the cycle has to be broken. Appreciation must be felt some where in the present for some thing even the smallest of things. Acceptance would be good if you cannot muster appreciation. Living in this moment with a mind set to see it as it is so later you will still recognize it what it was and not for what it should have been nor as a comparison of what isn't. It would be a challenge because we always want to compare and categorize things and nothing is exempt.
Every now and then I catch myself thinking, "it all could be better if I just....." The truth of the matter is I am so far from where I started in such a positive way that if I stopped all self-improvement now my successes would be enough to see me through to the end. I complain just like everyone else but I need to stop, no I want to stop. When I honestly look back on things, I remember complaining then too and now those are the days that I envy. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. Some things make me sad and some quite angry while others still fill me with longing. At the end of each and every journey I take I leave with the question, how will I feel about this moment when I look back on it? How will I compare it? And you know, I feel like if I live this present as if it were my favorite memory then maybe it will be.
Looking into the past or daydreaming about the future can only keep you from spending your now with the intent that the present deserves. The circumstances of now may be far less than desirable but how you spend your time in it can give you life. Not to be incredibly cliche but really it comes to simply this: your time, like mine, is NOW! Get in the middle and spend it wisely.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
No More Storytellers
My father and his father before him are all about the stories. Some of them were the kind that Cosby would tell jokes about..."walked in the snow, uphill, one way and no shoes." They also told stories that were more along the lines of how life came to be for them, for the women in the family and my siblings. The stories were important they taught us about our heritage in its varied and colorful yet sometimes hard and stricken hue. So much can be learned in these stories. So much is gained. Sorted and dysfunctional as my family still is, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by great storytellers growing up. I learned that if your will is strong, bad examples can be just as helpful as good ones.
The funny ones you remember first and often because they make you laugh so hard you almost wet yourself. There are no dry cheeks in the circle and every belly aches into doubling over, laying on the floor contentment. It isn't till you are older or more as you get older that you understand and appreciate the underlying message within the laughter. When was the last time you heard a story about artesians? UFOs? Howabout a good bigfoot story? Everyone has a big fish story, the one that got away. You learn as you laugh.
The ones about family tell you the stuff you need to know about & from whence you came. Through these stories you learn to cook, raise children and understand the fight that it took to get you the leg up in the world. You understand a bit more about the people who supplied you your genes. You appreciate the little bit you have as it promises to turn into the whole lot you will have in comparison. You see the pieces of your self today, tomorrow and hopefully longer into the future. Good, bad or indifferent you learn how to parent and develop your ideals about every aspect of the matter. From great-grandma's pie recipe to Uncle Stan's tenacious optimism the stories told are the kind of warm blankets that you never outgrow, you never throwaway. If you are any kind of parent you will want to wrap your children in the same security, you will want your child submerged in that tribe.
That's the rub, right? Aren't too many of us left that grew up in the kind of environment that lent itself to an adult table and a kid's table at Thanksgiving dinner. Even fewer of us left that grew up with grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins as well as play cousins. The epic stories of a family shape and release grounded and aware human beings. Without the stories that speak to our humanity and the storytellers to tell them we become disconnected and unconcerned. Stories bind the families. Storytellers raise other storytellers that protect our culture. A history unremembered is a history that will soon be the future.
These United States are in dire need of storytellers. Too many cannot cook. Too many look for gangs to fill the void. Too many parents aren't parenting. Too many neighborhoods are without neighbors. Too many children don't know where they came from so their future is at best aimless. Too many communities have forgotten how to commune. You can only feel sorry for those wonder at the state in which we find our country. So much emphasis on money and power has led us away from our duty to fortify our future. In the listening there is a promise to become a part of the tapestry thereby making ourselves and those we love stronger. In the telling there is a duty to usher into the world historians capable to keep us from chaos just by spinning yarns to those they come into contact far and wide.
The funny ones you remember first and often because they make you laugh so hard you almost wet yourself. There are no dry cheeks in the circle and every belly aches into doubling over, laying on the floor contentment. It isn't till you are older or more as you get older that you understand and appreciate the underlying message within the laughter. When was the last time you heard a story about artesians? UFOs? Howabout a good bigfoot story? Everyone has a big fish story, the one that got away. You learn as you laugh.
The ones about family tell you the stuff you need to know about & from whence you came. Through these stories you learn to cook, raise children and understand the fight that it took to get you the leg up in the world. You understand a bit more about the people who supplied you your genes. You appreciate the little bit you have as it promises to turn into the whole lot you will have in comparison. You see the pieces of your self today, tomorrow and hopefully longer into the future. Good, bad or indifferent you learn how to parent and develop your ideals about every aspect of the matter. From great-grandma's pie recipe to Uncle Stan's tenacious optimism the stories told are the kind of warm blankets that you never outgrow, you never throwaway. If you are any kind of parent you will want to wrap your children in the same security, you will want your child submerged in that tribe.
That's the rub, right? Aren't too many of us left that grew up in the kind of environment that lent itself to an adult table and a kid's table at Thanksgiving dinner. Even fewer of us left that grew up with grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins as well as play cousins. The epic stories of a family shape and release grounded and aware human beings. Without the stories that speak to our humanity and the storytellers to tell them we become disconnected and unconcerned. Stories bind the families. Storytellers raise other storytellers that protect our culture. A history unremembered is a history that will soon be the future.
These United States are in dire need of storytellers. Too many cannot cook. Too many look for gangs to fill the void. Too many parents aren't parenting. Too many neighborhoods are without neighbors. Too many children don't know where they came from so their future is at best aimless. Too many communities have forgotten how to commune. You can only feel sorry for those wonder at the state in which we find our country. So much emphasis on money and power has led us away from our duty to fortify our future. In the listening there is a promise to become a part of the tapestry thereby making ourselves and those we love stronger. In the telling there is a duty to usher into the world historians capable to keep us from chaos just by spinning yarns to those they come into contact far and wide.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
CH CH Changes
You go along and you have your notions of what is in the world and you cling to them because they are all you have ever known. What happens when you can no longer row alone or if you just don't want to? It is one thing to state you are ready to make changes in your life and its a complete different thing to implement them. When change is thrust upon you then you have no other choice but to walk it out the best you can. I am acutely adept at having change thrust upon me because that is my norm. What I lack is the ability to change after making up my mind that its the best course of action. I will give you some examples that go from small to large, 3 examples to be exact as I am a little wacky about doing things in 3s. These examples all have the same theme, "Asking for Help"
Small Ask
I recently moved again and I didn't want to repeat the sins of the first move so I decided I was going to ask for help. I had grand ideas about how to go about it; one would say they were strategic in nature. I thought of a few people that I have helped in some way and decided I would target them. When it came to asking for help I ended up only asking one person. I have always been told that when making changes in your life make baby step changes. Normally I balk at the notion of a baby step because I am more of a balls out, cards on the table and let the chips fly where they may type of chick but this time I conceded. I asked one person and you know what....I picked the right person. Maria came in and helped me out with packing on 2 different days and it worked out great!!! She was only at my house a total of 3hours and that girl packed more than a 1/3 of my house. Big ups to Maria and her super packing skills. I am taking to have Sushi soon to thank her.
Medium Ask
All the moving and paying of two mortgages this summer left my pockets sad and wanting. Cydni's grandfather had offered to help out financially but I had been putting him off cause he's helped in the past and I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage. Move weekend came and it was looking like I was going to have some rubberized checks. I made the call to take him up on his offer. He was mad at me for taking so long to call but more than willing to help me move and bring money to help with bills too. I hate asking because he's one of those people that has money and I bet his kids are always asking him for some. Maybe its like he said though....it would be different if I asked initially but I didn't he offered and I took him up on that offer. Mad props to gramps for looking out even though I am no longer a part of the family. Since I didn't have the money at the time to get him a good bday or dday present I am plotting a kick ass xmas present for him and Cydni to share and enjoy, a hot air balloon ride!!! It's something he has wanted for a while.
Big Ask
Cydni is sick and we still don't know what is wrong. This is the only time in my life that I have quite literally called everyone I know to ask for prayers. It really sucked making every single one of those calls and repeating that story over and over again but it is well worth the pay back of having folks call you back and ask if I need anything. I am so use to shouldering things alone that I have no concept of what's like to have people care for and about me. Most of my friends and family are far away so what can done from a distance isn't much but what is being done by those I called means a lot to me. I can only express my gratitude as thanks to so many. If I could I would find a special prize for each and every one of the folks that thought enough to call, email, text etc.
It seems like such a silly blog really that as an adult I am just learning to appreciate and utilize asking for help. I have lived a difficult life where people have done nothing but let me down or expected more than I could or should give in return for whatever help I needed. I have been let down and used so much that more than half of my life has been spent not asking for help. I have grown weary of doing things alone. I don't mean that I am looking for a husband, I mean having a reliable support net would nice. I have gotten away from being in a community. I realize that I have done myself a disservice in that regard. I have also realize I have denied others my service as well by not being a part of a family of friends and neighbors in some way. It is a hard habit to break. Its like a conspiracy theorist hanging up his theories for good and accepting things at face value. I imagine he would probably go through withdrawl and cling to what he may consider a conspiracy to cope.
I am glad that good experiences have come out of my recent needs and I hope that instead of a pendulum swing I will enjoy balance.
Small Ask
I recently moved again and I didn't want to repeat the sins of the first move so I decided I was going to ask for help. I had grand ideas about how to go about it; one would say they were strategic in nature. I thought of a few people that I have helped in some way and decided I would target them. When it came to asking for help I ended up only asking one person. I have always been told that when making changes in your life make baby step changes. Normally I balk at the notion of a baby step because I am more of a balls out, cards on the table and let the chips fly where they may type of chick but this time I conceded. I asked one person and you know what....I picked the right person. Maria came in and helped me out with packing on 2 different days and it worked out great!!! She was only at my house a total of 3hours and that girl packed more than a 1/3 of my house. Big ups to Maria and her super packing skills. I am taking to have Sushi soon to thank her.
Medium Ask
All the moving and paying of two mortgages this summer left my pockets sad and wanting. Cydni's grandfather had offered to help out financially but I had been putting him off cause he's helped in the past and I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage. Move weekend came and it was looking like I was going to have some rubberized checks. I made the call to take him up on his offer. He was mad at me for taking so long to call but more than willing to help me move and bring money to help with bills too. I hate asking because he's one of those people that has money and I bet his kids are always asking him for some. Maybe its like he said though....it would be different if I asked initially but I didn't he offered and I took him up on that offer. Mad props to gramps for looking out even though I am no longer a part of the family. Since I didn't have the money at the time to get him a good bday or dday present I am plotting a kick ass xmas present for him and Cydni to share and enjoy, a hot air balloon ride!!! It's something he has wanted for a while.
Big Ask
Cydni is sick and we still don't know what is wrong. This is the only time in my life that I have quite literally called everyone I know to ask for prayers. It really sucked making every single one of those calls and repeating that story over and over again but it is well worth the pay back of having folks call you back and ask if I need anything. I am so use to shouldering things alone that I have no concept of what's like to have people care for and about me. Most of my friends and family are far away so what can done from a distance isn't much but what is being done by those I called means a lot to me. I can only express my gratitude as thanks to so many. If I could I would find a special prize for each and every one of the folks that thought enough to call, email, text etc.
It seems like such a silly blog really that as an adult I am just learning to appreciate and utilize asking for help. I have lived a difficult life where people have done nothing but let me down or expected more than I could or should give in return for whatever help I needed. I have been let down and used so much that more than half of my life has been spent not asking for help. I have grown weary of doing things alone. I don't mean that I am looking for a husband, I mean having a reliable support net would nice. I have gotten away from being in a community. I realize that I have done myself a disservice in that regard. I have also realize I have denied others my service as well by not being a part of a family of friends and neighbors in some way. It is a hard habit to break. Its like a conspiracy theorist hanging up his theories for good and accepting things at face value. I imagine he would probably go through withdrawl and cling to what he may consider a conspiracy to cope.
I am glad that good experiences have come out of my recent needs and I hope that instead of a pendulum swing I will enjoy balance.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Cement within my shoes
The people I interact with at work and other places have wind beneath their wings, I have cement within my shoes. It's not that I am not open minded, bright or willing to fly it is very much that I am not able. So many things get in the way of flying and I so want to fly. There are sights, smells, tastes and touches that I want to experience but I am stuck, flightless bird that I am waiting for the turn of thing that once promised me flight.
It is just one big waiting game really. We are all waiting for something. We look like we are walking, running, studying our way to the very thing that we think will make us soar but we aren't. At least I am not anyway. I am sitting here, typing. Mostly procrastinating because I don't want to do my homework. I do want the job that the degree I am working toward will eventually grant me but not so much the labor that is needed. Working for as long as I have in the professional world has made me dull and less motivated to achieve anything except time wasting so that I can make it to my bedtime.
I use to be nothing but a ball of ambition. When the hell did life beat that out of me. I was the kind of person that got more done by 8am than most did all day. Now I am lucky to get anything completed in a single day. There are parts of my personality I want back. Not necessarily my youth because that really never afforded me spoils that were worth being spoiled over.
There is a change in me that needs to happen that use to come from within that is now gone. I cannot fathom to where it went but without it I don't have the passion to put shoes on to walk around and look for it. I don't be old saying "I was fine back in the day" I want to be just as fine when I am old. I don't mean in sight because I never thought that was the case with me anyway. I mean I want to be just as glorious old as I saw myself 10 years ago.
I feel like I have cement in my shoes. I cannot walk, run, dance anymore and I enjoy all of those things. What a shame that when you are flightless bird you cannot find joy in these things either. I imagine that its a bit more than a shame really because of the weight you gain in loss of this exercise. And I so want at least this exercise if I cannot fly.
It is just one big waiting game really. We are all waiting for something. We look like we are walking, running, studying our way to the very thing that we think will make us soar but we aren't. At least I am not anyway. I am sitting here, typing. Mostly procrastinating because I don't want to do my homework. I do want the job that the degree I am working toward will eventually grant me but not so much the labor that is needed. Working for as long as I have in the professional world has made me dull and less motivated to achieve anything except time wasting so that I can make it to my bedtime.
I use to be nothing but a ball of ambition. When the hell did life beat that out of me. I was the kind of person that got more done by 8am than most did all day. Now I am lucky to get anything completed in a single day. There are parts of my personality I want back. Not necessarily my youth because that really never afforded me spoils that were worth being spoiled over.
There is a change in me that needs to happen that use to come from within that is now gone. I cannot fathom to where it went but without it I don't have the passion to put shoes on to walk around and look for it. I don't be old saying "I was fine back in the day" I want to be just as fine when I am old. I don't mean in sight because I never thought that was the case with me anyway. I mean I want to be just as glorious old as I saw myself 10 years ago.
I feel like I have cement in my shoes. I cannot walk, run, dance anymore and I enjoy all of those things. What a shame that when you are flightless bird you cannot find joy in these things either. I imagine that its a bit more than a shame really because of the weight you gain in loss of this exercise. And I so want at least this exercise if I cannot fly.
Monday, March 2, 2009
March Madness....
has nothing to do with basketball in my world. While I like basketball very much its not something that I will watch with bated breath at the edge of my sofa with friends and a beer. I certainly won't be packed into an arena of any sort to watch a game with sweating hot dog aromas and loud obnoxious patrons whose social graces leave me short of dry heaving down the steps on the way to the disgusting restrooms that breed more disease than an overused hypodermic needle. That maybe an exaggeration but you get the quite vivid picture don't you?
March is a crazy month for normally because of the celebration of both Cydni and my birthday. While I don't really celebrate my birthday we do celebrate Cydni's. Actually Cydni's birthday is usually a big deal. I go all out for this day. Our tradition is to play hookie if the day falls on a school day. No work for me and no school for her. Its the girliest day of the year for me too. We get Mani/Pedis and eat great food, maybe see a movie. We buy a new outfit and take pictures too. I love this day with her. I told her years ago that it wasn't just her birthday it was the first time we ever did anything together. We worked really hard to bring her into the world and that this day should be celebrated together because of all the hard work. She loves for me to tell her stories about her birth and all her past birthdays we spent together.
Its funny though that while this singular day and event would seem like nothing much to tackle for a whole month that March is given every year turns out to be a whirlwind of many other things to achieve alongside this celebration. This year my closest friend here in North Carolina is moving back to California. I will be helping her prepare for that transition. Also to help out I may be moving into her condo and renting out my house. So that means packing and moving this month. Then to add insult to injury, Cydni and I are going on a Disney cruise the first week of April so everything has be done before April 5th when we leave for Florida. To top that all off I won't be here when my friend leaves because she leaves for California while we are away on the cruise. So no goodbyes.
It will be a bittersweet month. I am not sure how I will fair. Too much change isn't good especially when lumped altogether like this. oh well, not to quote Gloria Gaynor or anything but...."I will survive"
March is a crazy month for normally because of the celebration of both Cydni and my birthday. While I don't really celebrate my birthday we do celebrate Cydni's. Actually Cydni's birthday is usually a big deal. I go all out for this day. Our tradition is to play hookie if the day falls on a school day. No work for me and no school for her. Its the girliest day of the year for me too. We get Mani/Pedis and eat great food, maybe see a movie. We buy a new outfit and take pictures too. I love this day with her. I told her years ago that it wasn't just her birthday it was the first time we ever did anything together. We worked really hard to bring her into the world and that this day should be celebrated together because of all the hard work. She loves for me to tell her stories about her birth and all her past birthdays we spent together.
Its funny though that while this singular day and event would seem like nothing much to tackle for a whole month that March is given every year turns out to be a whirlwind of many other things to achieve alongside this celebration. This year my closest friend here in North Carolina is moving back to California. I will be helping her prepare for that transition. Also to help out I may be moving into her condo and renting out my house. So that means packing and moving this month. Then to add insult to injury, Cydni and I are going on a Disney cruise the first week of April so everything has be done before April 5th when we leave for Florida. To top that all off I won't be here when my friend leaves because she leaves for California while we are away on the cruise. So no goodbyes.
It will be a bittersweet month. I am not sure how I will fair. Too much change isn't good especially when lumped altogether like this. oh well, not to quote Gloria Gaynor or anything but...."I will survive"
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Going Grey
A good portion of my friends are already going grey or have gone grey. I am just now getting a few strands that folks can see on my head. I already had some strands below that folks couldn't see for quite some time now. Thinking about grey hairs only makes a person think about their life before the grey and what they want their life to be like now that the grey hair has come. There are several areas that are of a concern for me.
Cydni - remains at the top of my concern list not because she is in danger no, more because she's my child and I worry about how I am raising her. I get truly concerned about different aspects of her personality and sense of well being. I watch her behavior and find that I am thinking more about what her habits mean with regards to her ability to care for herself in my absence. This year she will be twelve and we have six years left before she goes off to college. Her father and I both intend to leave North Carolina when that happens. I wonder what affect that will have her sense of stability. Not enough stay here, I have made my sacrifice when it comes to residency and that will end soon. Scary to think of Cydni in New York going to culinary school but its almost breath taking to think of her not pursuing her dreams. I am hoping the next six years reveal something good about my parenting and unsheathe a Cydni that looks able to conquer the world without her mother because her mother will need to be able to seek the creation of a world she has longed for.
Me - So many things to think about at this stage of my life. Through many self sabotaging acts I have kept myself quite single and no closer to becoming a wife again for the better part of Cydni's life. I am fat, tired, ambition-less and now going grey. Not exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to pickings. On my weekends off (Mommy free weekends) I sit at home and read or watch TV. This is the year I become 35 and already I am behaving as if I am 70. The worst of it is this...I don't mind. Most people crack under the realization that they are alone and that status doesn't seem to be changing. I am perfectly well with being alone but I find that odd and concerning that I am well with this status. I am not worried or bored. I am not wanting or looking. I spend the time in my head, in thought. I realized the part of me that wants to share my life is 10% and when I have been in a relationship in the past the problems outside of just not being evenly compatible was that smothered feeling I would get because of the 90% of me that likes living in my head. Relationships don't work well if you spend that much time on the inside. Men say they would like a women that doesn't talk a lot until they date me. I use to think it was the depression but it isn't. I am more internal when I am at home and outside of any professional realm. If it wasn't for Cydni I probably wouldn't speak outside of work.
Profession - This job I have now isn't the most fulfilling but the pay allows for some really necessary things to happen in order for me work toward a career that I am better suited. Since taking this job in July 08, I have been able to begin mending my financial standing. This process has meant a huge burden is lifted so that I can enjoy more of Cydni and our life. The worrying that I did about making ends meet was so great it changed me and strained my relationship with Cydni because I was always stressed out about it. I am grateful that I have a job now that allows me to live and provide like I want. I find the unfulfilled state in my profession is less bothersome than the strain of making ends meet. It helps that I am attending school to give me the sense of working toward a career goal that that will change all that and give me a sense of purpose in my work.
School - It isn't hard, I just don't want to go. Several years ago when I went back to college I was so excited and so committed to going that I was the pain in the ass know it all in class that everyone hates. Now that I am back at it again its all I can do to turn in assignments on time. The topics are interesting and coursework is relatively easy but I can't seem to muster the ambition to do what is necessary in a timely manner. I don't know how to get and stay motivated about school. I know that I have to finish this time if I am ever going to get into the career I want. I can't work in this profession without a degree. Its nothing like working in the IT department where I can just work my way up. To even get my foot in the door I have to have a masters degree. I am 2 years away from my bachelors. The goal is to get through a masters program before Cydni graduates high school. I better get some ambition soon huh?
What does all this have to do with going grey? Well its the look at your life that makes you consider that you may not be where you are suppose to be and the grey in you hair that tells you that the time you have left is getting smaller. I have to decide how much of what I want it feasible and how much is just wishful thinking. Getting Cydni ready to be in the world without me is quite feasible. It is the most sure of all the things that I will achieve. The rest are things that I will need to really work on and maybe they stay background things until Cydni does go to school and maybe they are never going to happen things. I am curious to see what is what in the end but I also wonder how much of what I feel and think is all because of the physical manifestation that time to achieve is dwindling.
With all that is going on in the world at large as well as with my more immediate realm its silly to wonder or consider such intangible and trivial of issues. Life will unfold as it should with or without my consideration, it just goes more enjoyably with my participation or so I hope. Which makes me think about my sense of enjoyment when considering my life but that is a topic for another blog.
Cydni - remains at the top of my concern list not because she is in danger no, more because she's my child and I worry about how I am raising her. I get truly concerned about different aspects of her personality and sense of well being. I watch her behavior and find that I am thinking more about what her habits mean with regards to her ability to care for herself in my absence. This year she will be twelve and we have six years left before she goes off to college. Her father and I both intend to leave North Carolina when that happens. I wonder what affect that will have her sense of stability. Not enough stay here, I have made my sacrifice when it comes to residency and that will end soon. Scary to think of Cydni in New York going to culinary school but its almost breath taking to think of her not pursuing her dreams. I am hoping the next six years reveal something good about my parenting and unsheathe a Cydni that looks able to conquer the world without her mother because her mother will need to be able to seek the creation of a world she has longed for.
Me - So many things to think about at this stage of my life. Through many self sabotaging acts I have kept myself quite single and no closer to becoming a wife again for the better part of Cydni's life. I am fat, tired, ambition-less and now going grey. Not exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to pickings. On my weekends off (Mommy free weekends) I sit at home and read or watch TV. This is the year I become 35 and already I am behaving as if I am 70. The worst of it is this...I don't mind. Most people crack under the realization that they are alone and that status doesn't seem to be changing. I am perfectly well with being alone but I find that odd and concerning that I am well with this status. I am not worried or bored. I am not wanting or looking. I spend the time in my head, in thought. I realized the part of me that wants to share my life is 10% and when I have been in a relationship in the past the problems outside of just not being evenly compatible was that smothered feeling I would get because of the 90% of me that likes living in my head. Relationships don't work well if you spend that much time on the inside. Men say they would like a women that doesn't talk a lot until they date me. I use to think it was the depression but it isn't. I am more internal when I am at home and outside of any professional realm. If it wasn't for Cydni I probably wouldn't speak outside of work.
Profession - This job I have now isn't the most fulfilling but the pay allows for some really necessary things to happen in order for me work toward a career that I am better suited. Since taking this job in July 08, I have been able to begin mending my financial standing. This process has meant a huge burden is lifted so that I can enjoy more of Cydni and our life. The worrying that I did about making ends meet was so great it changed me and strained my relationship with Cydni because I was always stressed out about it. I am grateful that I have a job now that allows me to live and provide like I want. I find the unfulfilled state in my profession is less bothersome than the strain of making ends meet. It helps that I am attending school to give me the sense of working toward a career goal that that will change all that and give me a sense of purpose in my work.
School - It isn't hard, I just don't want to go. Several years ago when I went back to college I was so excited and so committed to going that I was the pain in the ass know it all in class that everyone hates. Now that I am back at it again its all I can do to turn in assignments on time. The topics are interesting and coursework is relatively easy but I can't seem to muster the ambition to do what is necessary in a timely manner. I don't know how to get and stay motivated about school. I know that I have to finish this time if I am ever going to get into the career I want. I can't work in this profession without a degree. Its nothing like working in the IT department where I can just work my way up. To even get my foot in the door I have to have a masters degree. I am 2 years away from my bachelors. The goal is to get through a masters program before Cydni graduates high school. I better get some ambition soon huh?
What does all this have to do with going grey? Well its the look at your life that makes you consider that you may not be where you are suppose to be and the grey in you hair that tells you that the time you have left is getting smaller. I have to decide how much of what I want it feasible and how much is just wishful thinking. Getting Cydni ready to be in the world without me is quite feasible. It is the most sure of all the things that I will achieve. The rest are things that I will need to really work on and maybe they stay background things until Cydni does go to school and maybe they are never going to happen things. I am curious to see what is what in the end but I also wonder how much of what I feel and think is all because of the physical manifestation that time to achieve is dwindling.
With all that is going on in the world at large as well as with my more immediate realm its silly to wonder or consider such intangible and trivial of issues. Life will unfold as it should with or without my consideration, it just goes more enjoyably with my participation or so I hope. Which makes me think about my sense of enjoyment when considering my life but that is a topic for another blog.
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