There is nowhere near the amount of suckish things occurring in my life now as it was previously. I honestly say that as far as turmoil I am in a remission of sorts. I was so sure that my need for things that were bad was due to the sucktackular events that play out, without my consent. Now I know that it is all in my head. Literally.
I pick things apart, analyze no grind it down till I get to a point where I can figure things out. When I can't I start think about contingencies and cross section, quite remote, possibilities. My mind will work on something until it is all but to its barest molecules of itself. That's why I drank, screwed, shopped, partied and screwed up as much as I did back then. As I work through the last phase of getting mentally healthy I am realizing the depression was a by product of the horrible situations that life ( and I, through not the best of decisions) send my way.
Now that I am better to myself and the universe is getting on-board with the new trend I am finding more and more that I wish I still had the taste for alcolhol to stop the spinning of my brain. A great, adventuresome deviant even physical encounter within a safe long term relationship would be acceptable. A band of girlfriends like in my military days to get dressed and go to a club just to dance in a circle and make fun of other people would be worth having to stay up late and wash my hair at 2am. I totally wouldn't balk at a shopping spree that doesn't touch my checking account. The need to stop the spinning is that great because I know that my mind needs a distraction from its current agenda.
Also I know that I will not figure this one out because I have yet to do so thus far.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Over My Heart
This has been the week of memories. In helping two close friends this week I have recalled some of my favorite memories that happen to take place in the worst times of my life. Yesterday I told Cydni about the day she was born. She loved it. Days ago I recalled my coping mechanism for hard times to a friend, the smile of Cydni and coloring. Earlier in the week I shared with my dad my favorite memory of the woman who gave birth to me. I called my sister to tell her about a favorite memory of her and I long ago. Tonight I laid in bed getting ready to drift off to sleep when a very precious series of memories played out.
It was hard to sleep when she was first born. It wasn't because she didn't sleep it was because I couldn't sleep. I was too busy checking on her to see if she was still breathing. This was just the day she was born, I couldn't imagine setting her down at home. After several hours of laying down and getting up to look at her I finally decided to put her in the bed with me. She was a big baby of 9 pounds at birth. I laid her on my chest and covered us both up in the blankets. We slept for hours. The nurses said that I didn't want to lay my sweet one on her stomach so soon after birth but I smiled and we went back to sleep.
When I finally took the little one home from the hospital I thought maybe we'll try the crib the first night. She slept but I didn't . In the bed she was with me again. Again we slept for hours. Her father didn't understand and was afraid of hitting her in his sleep; he decided to remove himself from our peaceful slumbering and slept on the couch.
Since our relationship didn't last much longer after her birth nothing really changed when I got my own apartment, she was 5 months old. Its sort of weird that my little princess brought me so much comfort and she couldn't even speak. But I do know that she didn't sleep long during nap time but she slept till she was hungry at night time. And that is how for almost a year Cydni Jasmine Stickney slept over my heart.
It was hard to sleep when she was first born. It wasn't because she didn't sleep it was because I couldn't sleep. I was too busy checking on her to see if she was still breathing. This was just the day she was born, I couldn't imagine setting her down at home. After several hours of laying down and getting up to look at her I finally decided to put her in the bed with me. She was a big baby of 9 pounds at birth. I laid her on my chest and covered us both up in the blankets. We slept for hours. The nurses said that I didn't want to lay my sweet one on her stomach so soon after birth but I smiled and we went back to sleep.
When I finally took the little one home from the hospital I thought maybe we'll try the crib the first night. She slept but I didn't . In the bed she was with me again. Again we slept for hours. Her father didn't understand and was afraid of hitting her in his sleep; he decided to remove himself from our peaceful slumbering and slept on the couch.
Since our relationship didn't last much longer after her birth nothing really changed when I got my own apartment, she was 5 months old. Its sort of weird that my little princess brought me so much comfort and she couldn't even speak. But I do know that she didn't sleep long during nap time but she slept till she was hungry at night time. And that is how for almost a year Cydni Jasmine Stickney slept over my heart.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Back to the Land of Academia
On normal occasion I love to learn and in the past I have loved to learn in a formal setting just as much as any other casual forum. Since choking in my last attempt to obtain a degree I have become much more apprehensive about my collegiate endeavors. This week marks my return to formal schooling.
I have embarked on a journey I hope to complete. All of the signs of reason are there that this is the right time to go back but for some reason I am in overwhelming doubt of my ability to complete this task. I have not been one to let a task go incomplete and I am not certain why I am now so intimidated by something that use to give me so much joy. As I wait on hold now for Tech Support because my account is already locked out I am starting to feel like I just want to go to bed and read instead of starting a semester of college.
I am sure that there are many things behind my feelings that can all be wiped away with a great explanation or two but I am thinking that maybe the real reason is that I have become really lazy. There was a time where I held down three part time jobs, a full load of courses and raising a 5 year old all while keeping the house cleaned. I have noticed that in the last few years that just raising Cydni and keeping the house cleaned is enough to make me want a nap. Now I am staring college courses in the face again and I am tired just thinking about homework.
What happened to my motivation and ambition to take on the world?
I have embarked on a journey I hope to complete. All of the signs of reason are there that this is the right time to go back but for some reason I am in overwhelming doubt of my ability to complete this task. I have not been one to let a task go incomplete and I am not certain why I am now so intimidated by something that use to give me so much joy. As I wait on hold now for Tech Support because my account is already locked out I am starting to feel like I just want to go to bed and read instead of starting a semester of college.
I am sure that there are many things behind my feelings that can all be wiped away with a great explanation or two but I am thinking that maybe the real reason is that I have become really lazy. There was a time where I held down three part time jobs, a full load of courses and raising a 5 year old all while keeping the house cleaned. I have noticed that in the last few years that just raising Cydni and keeping the house cleaned is enough to make me want a nap. Now I am staring college courses in the face again and I am tired just thinking about homework.
What happened to my motivation and ambition to take on the world?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
10 Months In
Ten months into the year and it went by fast. I can honestly say that I have checked off plenty of things from my 2008 to do list as well as some thing that weren't list makers. So to get up to speed because my consistency in blogging hasn't been what it should let's take a look at my ten months.
January - dating and getting through the 5th grade with Cydni. The dating bit was rocky and on its last leg of a second tried. The 5th grade gig was good. Good teacher, friends, events, homework and grades etc. Work was stressful with alot of reorgs going on and alot of work to be done in not alot of time.
February - got a dog, gave a dog back dating showing signs of breaking up and Cydni is still delightful. I adopted a dog that had medical problems that I was sure I was good to go in overcoming. Then he started to have separation anxiety and commenced to pissing and shitting in my house. This is with the neighbor coming over two a day to let him out to potty. Cydni is enjoying school but is getting the feeling that girls are catty, whoa brother is she in for a surprise in high school. Work is getting worse and so are the headaches and the depression and the problems I had last that warranted a colonoscopy well they still don't know what's wrong.
March - Cydni and I celebrate another year on the planet and I break it off with the guy. Cydni's birthday ok until I backed into a brick wall with my brand new 2008 Mazda 3 I bought last year. I needed a drink but I remained calm because it was my pumpkins special day. I had my b-day and it was ok I guess and I got some cool stuff but it wasn't what I wanted to do so I was a little bummed. Not even a day later or maybe a day, I had a disturbing conversation that led to ending the relationship. Another one bites the dust....so sad for all involved.
April - I have to say this was a clean up month nothing really happened to speak of...work trips, lots of work and Cydni with a mound of quality TV and movie time for me. Took a much needed long trip to Asheville with friends and decided that for all the progress I have made with people I still have a long way to go in social settings . That almost caused a major set back in depression development. The good news of the trip was a really cute boy of 27 hit on me! He thought I was younger and when I told him how old I am he didn't be leave me but was completely chagrined when I told him I live in Raleigh. Nice!
May - Epiphany month, well not really. I decided that I needed a goal for fitness to be something I achieve. It was really tough but me and a girlfriend decided that we wanted to finish a triathlon. I found one that was really small and doable and went to work. I was walking, joined a gym to ride a bike and signed up for a swim class. I was pumped about eating right and meeting my goal.
June - Still working on being fit but found out the event I wanted to do was full and I would have to aim for next year. No worries more time to get a program. I did more research, bought books and looked into a bike. Completed swim class with the definitive sense much needed private lessons. I swim fine I just suck at lap swimming. But still I am doing this thing! Travel for work meant a week in England :p food is stinky!! and I had a phone interview for a new job woo hoo!
July - Still traveling for work, still getting headaches still depressed and its been since my b-day that i was last serviced (if you know what I mean). Work though is taking a look toward something better. I had an in-person interview and got the job! It means traveling to work 37 miles one way but hey it also meant a 17k raise, who's bad!!! Old company not so happy new company thrilled and so am I.
August- Hot, dry, droughty miserable no depression less headache and the munchkin starts a new school. Cydni is a middle schooler now and loving every minute of it. It's public school and that means she can be the fashion diva she was born to be and I can spend my raise on clothes. New work drama afoot I am now officially the small fish in a big pond who has just come toe to toe with a great white shark. I thought I knew some thing but I now know I don't know NADA!
September - Its dawned on me that I haven't been working out and the conveniences that I built in to make that easy have been erased because of the new job location. DANG! Fat and getting Fatter. I am still the village idiot but Cydni is still happy about school and life in general! Mmmmm 50/50 on the happiness meter for the household. Had some ladies over to the house for a knitting session, one of my resolutions coming to fruition a little late in the year. But done nonetheless.
Which brings us to October! I am getting around to the rest of my resolutions. created a meetup profile and joined two groups. one to fit the single parent support need and another to fulfill the need to get better at having and maintaining girlfriend relationships since i am a girl and all...well sometimes despite my tomboyish ways! Cydni got blog kudos for her strength. I made a new friend (not a girl) and Cydni's father actually thanked me for being a good mother after seeing Cydni's progress report. And I am actually solving issues at work with little to no help now, the queen is on the rise.
I am know I am forgetting some things in there seems like there was more to my world but I guess when you are in the middle of life it all seems larger and more full than it really is....especially when you are looking back on it. The weeks are flying by so it will be interesting to see how I fair with the holidays coming. Here's hoping Santa brings us a Wii and I don't have to pay for it.
January - dating and getting through the 5th grade with Cydni. The dating bit was rocky and on its last leg of a second tried. The 5th grade gig was good. Good teacher, friends, events, homework and grades etc. Work was stressful with alot of reorgs going on and alot of work to be done in not alot of time.
February - got a dog, gave a dog back dating showing signs of breaking up and Cydni is still delightful. I adopted a dog that had medical problems that I was sure I was good to go in overcoming. Then he started to have separation anxiety and commenced to pissing and shitting in my house. This is with the neighbor coming over two a day to let him out to potty. Cydni is enjoying school but is getting the feeling that girls are catty, whoa brother is she in for a surprise in high school. Work is getting worse and so are the headaches and the depression and the problems I had last that warranted a colonoscopy well they still don't know what's wrong.
March - Cydni and I celebrate another year on the planet and I break it off with the guy. Cydni's birthday ok until I backed into a brick wall with my brand new 2008 Mazda 3 I bought last year. I needed a drink but I remained calm because it was my pumpkins special day. I had my b-day and it was ok I guess and I got some cool stuff but it wasn't what I wanted to do so I was a little bummed. Not even a day later or maybe a day, I had a disturbing conversation that led to ending the relationship. Another one bites the dust....so sad for all involved.
April - I have to say this was a clean up month nothing really happened to speak of...work trips, lots of work and Cydni with a mound of quality TV and movie time for me. Took a much needed long trip to Asheville with friends and decided that for all the progress I have made with people I still have a long way to go in social settings . That almost caused a major set back in depression development. The good news of the trip was a really cute boy of 27 hit on me! He thought I was younger and when I told him how old I am he didn't be leave me but was completely chagrined when I told him I live in Raleigh. Nice!
May - Epiphany month, well not really. I decided that I needed a goal for fitness to be something I achieve. It was really tough but me and a girlfriend decided that we wanted to finish a triathlon. I found one that was really small and doable and went to work. I was walking, joined a gym to ride a bike and signed up for a swim class. I was pumped about eating right and meeting my goal.
June - Still working on being fit but found out the event I wanted to do was full and I would have to aim for next year. No worries more time to get a program. I did more research, bought books and looked into a bike. Completed swim class with the definitive sense much needed private lessons. I swim fine I just suck at lap swimming. But still I am doing this thing! Travel for work meant a week in England :p food is stinky!! and I had a phone interview for a new job woo hoo!
July - Still traveling for work, still getting headaches still depressed and its been since my b-day that i was last serviced (if you know what I mean). Work though is taking a look toward something better. I had an in-person interview and got the job! It means traveling to work 37 miles one way but hey it also meant a 17k raise, who's bad!!! Old company not so happy new company thrilled and so am I.
August- Hot, dry, droughty miserable no depression less headache and the munchkin starts a new school. Cydni is a middle schooler now and loving every minute of it. It's public school and that means she can be the fashion diva she was born to be and I can spend my raise on clothes. New work drama afoot I am now officially the small fish in a big pond who has just come toe to toe with a great white shark. I thought I knew some thing but I now know I don't know NADA!
September - Its dawned on me that I haven't been working out and the conveniences that I built in to make that easy have been erased because of the new job location. DANG! Fat and getting Fatter. I am still the village idiot but Cydni is still happy about school and life in general! Mmmmm 50/50 on the happiness meter for the household. Had some ladies over to the house for a knitting session, one of my resolutions coming to fruition a little late in the year. But done nonetheless.
Which brings us to October! I am getting around to the rest of my resolutions. created a meetup profile and joined two groups. one to fit the single parent support need and another to fulfill the need to get better at having and maintaining girlfriend relationships since i am a girl and all...well sometimes despite my tomboyish ways! Cydni got blog kudos for her strength. I made a new friend (not a girl) and Cydni's father actually thanked me for being a good mother after seeing Cydni's progress report. And I am actually solving issues at work with little to no help now, the queen is on the rise.
I am know I am forgetting some things in there seems like there was more to my world but I guess when you are in the middle of life it all seems larger and more full than it really is....especially when you are looking back on it. The weeks are flying by so it will be interesting to see how I fair with the holidays coming. Here's hoping Santa brings us a Wii and I don't have to pay for it.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Raising Strong Little Women
Friday was the 6th grade dance. I don't have to tell parents of little girls what a massive undertaking it is to allow your daughter to be a pre-teen/teen/college student and enjoy all that means. The worries are endless and the dangers are plentiful unfortunately. I constantly pray that she will not ever in her life become me. My heart would stop beating if any of my faults are passed down to her. Luckily for me all signs are pointing to a strong little girl in the making to becoming an even stronger woman.
Two weeks before the dance Cydni was asked to the dance by a boy in her career development class 8th period. She was not only excited but beside herself like all girls are when asked by a boy to any event. We found a perfect outfit that was not only age appropriate but trendy and cute. Her worries subsided a bit and refocused on her best friend and whether not she will get asked. It was all very normal and good.
The day of the dance October 3rd comes and I get a text saying that her date wouldn't be able to make it because he had to babysit his cousin. Immediately I began to worry that she would be bummed and need her first ice cream session with her mom. I text back asked if she wanted me to pick her up and her exact response was, "heck no i am having fun with my friends!". Score one for the little lady that can roll with the punches and come out enjoying the experience.
Later on in the dance I get another text that said, "Hey mom if you want to you can pick me up now because alot of the guys are starting to ask the girls if they can dance and they start grinding" Winning score for my big girl!!! I couldn't be more proud that my baby would see a situation and know that its not for her and decide to leave instead of succumbing to peer pressure. Its one of those moments that gives some insight as to how you are doing as a parent.
Apparently I am on the road to raising a strong little woman and I couldn't be more proud of her or myself right now.
Two weeks before the dance Cydni was asked to the dance by a boy in her career development class 8th period. She was not only excited but beside herself like all girls are when asked by a boy to any event. We found a perfect outfit that was not only age appropriate but trendy and cute. Her worries subsided a bit and refocused on her best friend and whether not she will get asked. It was all very normal and good.
The day of the dance October 3rd comes and I get a text saying that her date wouldn't be able to make it because he had to babysit his cousin. Immediately I began to worry that she would be bummed and need her first ice cream session with her mom. I text back asked if she wanted me to pick her up and her exact response was, "heck no i am having fun with my friends!". Score one for the little lady that can roll with the punches and come out enjoying the experience.
Later on in the dance I get another text that said, "Hey mom if you want to you can pick me up now because alot of the guys are starting to ask the girls if they can dance and they start grinding" Winning score for my big girl!!! I couldn't be more proud that my baby would see a situation and know that its not for her and decide to leave instead of succumbing to peer pressure. Its one of those moments that gives some insight as to how you are doing as a parent.
Apparently I am on the road to raising a strong little woman and I couldn't be more proud of her or myself right now.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I am setting a reminder....
So blogging this year didn't go as intended. I did find some comfort in tweeting. (see twitter.com) That is more convenient and actually more fun as I think that maybe I might be the queen of one liners. Limited character space for messages means an effort to be clever yet informative and I have found that every minute of the day I am at least that.
I do still wan to blog as I have found that when I do I carry less around in my head. If you know me at all you know that I carry mucho mucho tinkering thoughts in my noggin for pondering sake. So I think an attempt to set a reminder might be in order. I guess we will see how I make out right?
I do still wan to blog as I have found that when I do I carry less around in my head. If you know me at all you know that I carry mucho mucho tinkering thoughts in my noggin for pondering sake. So I think an attempt to set a reminder might be in order. I guess we will see how I make out right?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
