There is nowhere near the amount of suckish things occurring in my life now as it was previously. I honestly say that as far as turmoil I am in a remission of sorts. I was so sure that my need for things that were bad was due to the sucktackular events that play out, without my consent. Now I know that it is all in my head. Literally.
I pick things apart, analyze no grind it down till I get to a point where I can figure things out. When I can't I start think about contingencies and cross section, quite remote, possibilities. My mind will work on something until it is all but to its barest molecules of itself. That's why I drank, screwed, shopped, partied and screwed up as much as I did back then. As I work through the last phase of getting mentally healthy I am realizing the depression was a by product of the horrible situations that life ( and I, through not the best of decisions) send my way.
Now that I am better to myself and the universe is getting on-board with the new trend I am finding more and more that I wish I still had the taste for alcolhol to stop the spinning of my brain. A great, adventuresome deviant even physical encounter within a safe long term relationship would be acceptable. A band of girlfriends like in my military days to get dressed and go to a club just to dance in a circle and make fun of other people would be worth having to stay up late and wash my hair at 2am. I totally wouldn't balk at a shopping spree that doesn't touch my checking account. The need to stop the spinning is that great because I know that my mind needs a distraction from its current agenda.
Also I know that I will not figure this one out because I have yet to do so thus far.
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