I have sung the praises of music time and time again and I have to say I never get tired of paying homage to it and if you do please read another blog. I wish I were a musician, though I doubt I would be any good. I am far better a listener; one who gathers and applies music to life's memories and plight. I can say with great amount of certainty and longing that I live for music and what it can make me feel and remember through feeling.
There are songs that color the very sunset of memories in such vibrant a manner that one would be just downright evil in nature not to be moved by a well place note and lyric. I have tucked memories away with songs vowing to never listen to those songs again so that I can never again have those memories. I have repeated the awe inspiring listening of songs because there are some memories I never want to leave. I have abused the emotion boosting songs to help exorcise the very torment, happiness, love, laziness and energy right out of me. There isn't anything music cannot emotionally reproduce for me.....and yes it can quite literally invoke the edge of ecstasy from my loins as well.
What better place to lose yourself than in a safe haven of those that are like minded and those that aren't but you wish they were. I am not without a thought or situations of my own that could be laid to music for a marriage of delight and enlightenment; but, somehow I don't think that others would relate as well to my musings. I wonder if musicians think that about some of their songs? I wonder if they care? I wonder if they are amazed and amused by those who think they get it and connect to something in their music when something totally different was intended.
The closest I have ever come to experiencing something similar to this is when I allowed a college classmate to read a poem I wrote. She read it and liked it. I told her I wrote it and she expressed what she thought the poem was about. When I told her she was wrong and what I had in mind when I wrote it she proceeded to argue with me about it. How odd is that? How can you argue with the author of a piece about the content and meaning of their work? She had to be on crack or something, right? After cooling off I was amused. I am not saying by any means that I am Shakespeare or in spitting distance of his ilk, I couldn't even be his chambermaid quite honestly. Imagine if I were to tell him that Romeo & Juliet wasn't about the two lovers and their demise but about the fashion of the day and age. Geez, I can hear Shakespeare turning in his grave.
This is why I will never really interpret a song. I will only apply to it my own experience, memory and emotion like a marker in time and space. My time and space which needs background, transition and emphasis music in order to make my life a little more worth looking in on. Looking merely at the person isn't enough until you get to hear the music that chooses that person and how that person applies it along the way.
I got trapped tonight watching VH1. VH1 is a trap don't let it fool you. '100 Greatest Songs of the 90s', good gracious I flipped to the channel in the 80s part of the countdown. I hate that I did that because three hours later and I now am driven to download well over half those songs so that I can get a little 90s memory recap. Makes me think that I need to create a new playlist. Make me feel like I need to bump up the 80GB iPOD to a top of the list item. Makes me want to stay up late to listen to songs that I haven't heard in a long time. Makes me think about the soundtrack of my life thus far and how well played it has been from time to time even though my life hasn't been.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Years End Reflection
I am not alone at this time of year to engage in the act of reflection of a year that has gone by so fast that you like everyone else wonder where the time went. Its funny knowing that the time goes fast never seems to invoke the kind of haste and stewardship over our time in the coming years as one would expect. Most of us tend to procrastinate more. In others still we tend to try to cram more into an already busy and blurrlike existence never really getting the full measure of our experiences. I think that I have been a victim of experiencing both. It is almost like I have been leading several lives all at once with differing perspective and approach allowing for different experiences and affects on my life.
As mother the year has gone by exceptionally fast and with much joy and growth. I have watched my precious one go from being a 5th grader to be becoming a 6th grader. The implications of that transition is monumental and only the beginning to other earth shattering transition for her and I. My love for her grows and my sense of liking her as a person ebbs and flows. Most people don't really acknowledge the distinct issue we have in viewing our children but I do. I can't stop loving my angel but I have found that there are times when I don't like her very much. I use to feel guilty about the duplicitous state until I began to try to understand it more. Most of us instinctively love our children because they are part of us but what we don't do is accept and acknowledge that they are individuals in every way so its just as natural not to like them based on their idiosyncrasies just any other individual. We think we are exempt from the luxury because they are our children but we aren't. I think that if we acknowledge it more we can get to a place where we can accept our children better and more completely as they grow into to the person they will be. I cannot and don't love anyone like I love my child and as she realizes herself as a human being and a part of society I have to accept that she may hold some traits and behaviors that I will not ever like. The difference is the love I have for her will mean she will continued to be loved despite them and I will build a tolerance and acceptance for her regardless of those traits and behaviors which is something we never do for strangers. Accepting our children goes beyond just loving them for who they are, it much means loving them despite of who they aren't and the individual they become that's separate from us. I very much want that for Cydni and to pass it along so that she will do it for her children as well.
As a professional I single handily destroyed my necessary behavioral comforts and needs to satisfy my financial and egotistical ones. I left a job of five years where I knew many and many knew me for a job where I know no one and no one knows me. These decisions are never easy in that we have to met the needs that are nagging the most at us and that is why we make the decisions we make in these times but I think this recent decision has helped me learn a bit more about myself than I would have liked to know. Actually it really uncovered something I find quite ridiculous about myself. I like being the go to person even if I am stressed and tired. I like being the one that people rely on and go to for solutions and advice on fixing issues. I was very much in that position in my last company. I think that the element that led me to look elsewhere is the lack of that being the admitted case. I wasn't getting credit for the work I had been doing but I was getting the work non-stop and at an ever growing pace. There has to be a balance even in madness. Wanting that kind of position in a professional setting is madness because it means you can never vacate. It was very true for me too, I didn't take a real vacation the whole time I worked there. I did however enjoy the status of being me there. The new job doesn't present me with the same kind of clout. Now some would say that in a matter of time I would regain my status but its just not true. Every organization has its culture and what is inherent to one isn't always present in another. The last six months have been an exercise is becoming part of body of people that has no hierarchy. We shine together or not at all. I miss being a big fish in a little pond but I am beginning to find my niche in being just apart of the school in a big a ocean. It has meant the creation of time to work toward getting into to the career that will better serve me and society in a more productive manner.
To finish off this trinity of self there is me the individual. This year like other years has been a trial of ethics, friendship and self acceptance. I cannot say that I have reached self actualization per se but I can say that I get closer all the time. My bad choices provide an immense amount of turmoil and cause major setbacks but as the wounds heal I find a bit more of the pieces of myself that I thought was lost forever. I know what is good and needs to be done but the old fears of my soul keep me from those decisions at times and I find that even doing nothing is harmful to me. I have also experienced this year that in doing the right thing I can be hurt most deeply. I have often wondered why the wrong things feel so right and how it could be that you feel like a piece of yourself is ripped away once you have set those wrongs right. As a believer I am often riddled with questions of how it could be that I am missing the things that are promised no matter how faithful I am and how I long for them more when I try to create those things by my own hand. The everyday discovery that I am my own worst enemy presents a problem of how to change the core of you to become this better person so that you may have the better life. I know that the look of a person's happiness isn't the full picture of their life but I think that looking at that part of their picture only makes the pain of your missing picture part all the worse. So in my most selfish human impression I will say, All is want is what I want when I want it and only for as long as I want it.
I can't imagine what next year holds and that seems to be the trend as I get older. Funny, I find that I long for the years when that wasn't the case; there is something in knowing that next year holds x, y and z. At 34 and climbing knowing what the next year is going to be like isn't a luxury that I possess but not knowing is definitely a fear that I carry. I know that I want Cydni to be happy and to grow with as little ill affect of my haphazard parenting as possible, for my new job to remain so in order for me to finish school and move on to my chosen career and for me to close the gap in self actualization as fast and as painlessly as possible. And my underlining request for my life to mean something to as many as possible remains the constant of my existence.
Here's to looking forwarding instead of back and always being thankful for what I have instead of criticizing what I lack.
Have a Happy New Year!!
As mother the year has gone by exceptionally fast and with much joy and growth. I have watched my precious one go from being a 5th grader to be becoming a 6th grader. The implications of that transition is monumental and only the beginning to other earth shattering transition for her and I. My love for her grows and my sense of liking her as a person ebbs and flows. Most people don't really acknowledge the distinct issue we have in viewing our children but I do. I can't stop loving my angel but I have found that there are times when I don't like her very much. I use to feel guilty about the duplicitous state until I began to try to understand it more. Most of us instinctively love our children because they are part of us but what we don't do is accept and acknowledge that they are individuals in every way so its just as natural not to like them based on their idiosyncrasies just any other individual. We think we are exempt from the luxury because they are our children but we aren't. I think that if we acknowledge it more we can get to a place where we can accept our children better and more completely as they grow into to the person they will be. I cannot and don't love anyone like I love my child and as she realizes herself as a human being and a part of society I have to accept that she may hold some traits and behaviors that I will not ever like. The difference is the love I have for her will mean she will continued to be loved despite them and I will build a tolerance and acceptance for her regardless of those traits and behaviors which is something we never do for strangers. Accepting our children goes beyond just loving them for who they are, it much means loving them despite of who they aren't and the individual they become that's separate from us. I very much want that for Cydni and to pass it along so that she will do it for her children as well.
As a professional I single handily destroyed my necessary behavioral comforts and needs to satisfy my financial and egotistical ones. I left a job of five years where I knew many and many knew me for a job where I know no one and no one knows me. These decisions are never easy in that we have to met the needs that are nagging the most at us and that is why we make the decisions we make in these times but I think this recent decision has helped me learn a bit more about myself than I would have liked to know. Actually it really uncovered something I find quite ridiculous about myself. I like being the go to person even if I am stressed and tired. I like being the one that people rely on and go to for solutions and advice on fixing issues. I was very much in that position in my last company. I think that the element that led me to look elsewhere is the lack of that being the admitted case. I wasn't getting credit for the work I had been doing but I was getting the work non-stop and at an ever growing pace. There has to be a balance even in madness. Wanting that kind of position in a professional setting is madness because it means you can never vacate. It was very true for me too, I didn't take a real vacation the whole time I worked there. I did however enjoy the status of being me there. The new job doesn't present me with the same kind of clout. Now some would say that in a matter of time I would regain my status but its just not true. Every organization has its culture and what is inherent to one isn't always present in another. The last six months have been an exercise is becoming part of body of people that has no hierarchy. We shine together or not at all. I miss being a big fish in a little pond but I am beginning to find my niche in being just apart of the school in a big a ocean. It has meant the creation of time to work toward getting into to the career that will better serve me and society in a more productive manner.
To finish off this trinity of self there is me the individual. This year like other years has been a trial of ethics, friendship and self acceptance. I cannot say that I have reached self actualization per se but I can say that I get closer all the time. My bad choices provide an immense amount of turmoil and cause major setbacks but as the wounds heal I find a bit more of the pieces of myself that I thought was lost forever. I know what is good and needs to be done but the old fears of my soul keep me from those decisions at times and I find that even doing nothing is harmful to me. I have also experienced this year that in doing the right thing I can be hurt most deeply. I have often wondered why the wrong things feel so right and how it could be that you feel like a piece of yourself is ripped away once you have set those wrongs right. As a believer I am often riddled with questions of how it could be that I am missing the things that are promised no matter how faithful I am and how I long for them more when I try to create those things by my own hand. The everyday discovery that I am my own worst enemy presents a problem of how to change the core of you to become this better person so that you may have the better life. I know that the look of a person's happiness isn't the full picture of their life but I think that looking at that part of their picture only makes the pain of your missing picture part all the worse. So in my most selfish human impression I will say, All is want is what I want when I want it and only for as long as I want it.
I can't imagine what next year holds and that seems to be the trend as I get older. Funny, I find that I long for the years when that wasn't the case; there is something in knowing that next year holds x, y and z. At 34 and climbing knowing what the next year is going to be like isn't a luxury that I possess but not knowing is definitely a fear that I carry. I know that I want Cydni to be happy and to grow with as little ill affect of my haphazard parenting as possible, for my new job to remain so in order for me to finish school and move on to my chosen career and for me to close the gap in self actualization as fast and as painlessly as possible. And my underlining request for my life to mean something to as many as possible remains the constant of my existence.
Here's to looking forwarding instead of back and always being thankful for what I have instead of criticizing what I lack.
Have a Happy New Year!!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Growing Old
In October Cydni and I were having brunch at Denny's and I was reading to her a new book that I bought recently as we waited for our order. While waiting I noticed some random people being seated and occasionally as their proximity encroached my personal space I would say hi appropriately and smile. In this act of stay away kindness a senior citizen couple was seated across from us. My heart is not completely Grinch-like but its caged and on a leash and started to feel the warmth and growth it typically feels at times like these.
They looked so frail and small sitting in the smallest booth imaginable while waiters and waitresses whizzed by them. For them though the space was like their own world where they were the only inhabitants. They sat there whispering to each other and smiling. He leaned over and moved her hair out of her face and smile to her sweetly. He whispered something that made her laugh and she did so uninhibited because they were the only ones alive in their world so why laugh small. They obviously cared for each other and had been caring for a long time. They probably passed the days of being lovers and are now further strengthening their time as companions with great amount satisfaction and peace.
Cydni and I finished our brunch and it was good. I was momentarily at peace with the world too having witnessed an almost extinct phenomenon of human relationship in its display of longevity and peace. I felt ungrateful because of my complaints of late but hopeful that I can make amends. As I walked to the front to pay my bill I decided I wanted to thank them for being that kind as to share some of their peace with me. So I asked the cashier for their bill and asked her not to tell them their bill was paid until I had completely left the parking lot.
Tears in my eyes I bounced off to the car with Cydni singing a song and play around with her like the best friend she is to me. I love that there is peace in the world and there are people experiencing it. So my tears weren't of sorrow because I lacked what they possessed, they were of joy for them because they possessed it and that maybe me one day I too will have the same. I cried for the mere peace of growing old with a companion that I glimpsed in them in that its the attainable that I thought impossible and I witnessed it that day.
(I forgotten this happened, after my last blog post this evening I checked email and read a story that reminded me of this very experience. In remembering I am grateful all over again.)
They looked so frail and small sitting in the smallest booth imaginable while waiters and waitresses whizzed by them. For them though the space was like their own world where they were the only inhabitants. They sat there whispering to each other and smiling. He leaned over and moved her hair out of her face and smile to her sweetly. He whispered something that made her laugh and she did so uninhibited because they were the only ones alive in their world so why laugh small. They obviously cared for each other and had been caring for a long time. They probably passed the days of being lovers and are now further strengthening their time as companions with great amount satisfaction and peace.
Cydni and I finished our brunch and it was good. I was momentarily at peace with the world too having witnessed an almost extinct phenomenon of human relationship in its display of longevity and peace. I felt ungrateful because of my complaints of late but hopeful that I can make amends. As I walked to the front to pay my bill I decided I wanted to thank them for being that kind as to share some of their peace with me. So I asked the cashier for their bill and asked her not to tell them their bill was paid until I had completely left the parking lot.
Tears in my eyes I bounced off to the car with Cydni singing a song and play around with her like the best friend she is to me. I love that there is peace in the world and there are people experiencing it. So my tears weren't of sorrow because I lacked what they possessed, they were of joy for them because they possessed it and that maybe me one day I too will have the same. I cried for the mere peace of growing old with a companion that I glimpsed in them in that its the attainable that I thought impossible and I witnessed it that day.
(I forgotten this happened, after my last blog post this evening I checked email and read a story that reminded me of this very experience. In remembering I am grateful all over again.)
Ahh the Holidays
My basic rant about holidays is this: its impossible to have holiday cheer or profess that you do if you are snatching, grabbing, cutting off and cussing at people while shopping.......
The season starts far too early and retail begins it earlier and earlier every year. This year I saw and heard Christmas being pushed like a crack as early as October 1st! I imagine that with the economy being in the crapper that the need to find financial equilibrium as a retailer is worse than it has been since the great depression. Even with that as being the case I still cannot see pimping Christmas wares before we can buy candy for Halloween or Turkeys for Thanksgiving. Long gone are the days when you can enjoy the immediate holiday coming before Christmas is pushed on you. And I think that living in the world of capitalism can help you appreciate where the retail owner is coming from and maybe even find a way to forgive them a little when you couple the crashing economy and the number of closing stores into the equation but what I cannot tolerate or forgive is the people during this time of year.
The economy hasn't always affected the people in this regard. For as long as I can remember I have been baffled by the notion that you should have good cheer because Christmas is here. I have always been of the mindset that you should be of good cheer year around and not just in the month of December and part of January as your resolutions may guide you. I am of the belief that being good to one another is something we should strive for on a daily basis. Having said all that here is where my confusion comes into play. If this is indeed the season of cheer then why is it not exercised as prescribed? From traffic to sales, people are true to their selfish and evil tendencies when the last of something is at stake. And foolish me I would think that this behavior would lessen as the internet and internet shopping become more and more popular and viable a solution to braving the weather and traffic of holiday shopping. People are rude, tired, selfish, dangerously preoccupied and most apt to cut you off in traffic for a parking space. And why? To purchase gifts to further spoil a generation of over-weight, over-indulged brats!
My family is broken and that is not a secret, so I don't spend my holidays with my siblings but I do however spend them with my child. Here's the golden rule about Christmas: she gets five presents period! 1 big item, 1 item she wants but I don't necessarily want to get her, 1 item I want her to have, 1 traditional gift she gets every year and 1 item she needs. You would think that with this formula that she would not be excited by her gifts but she is because they are still a surprise to her and the great thing is she remembers what she got and she appreciates them. I want her to focus more on us spending time together and giving rather than receiving. I want her to understand more about why we celebrate the season than to associate it with putting on a happy face because its a season of good cheer even though people are behaving badly. I want her to know its about family even thought its just her and I. That we start the year and end it with each other because after the presents are opened all that is left is the company of family. Our appreciation and joy should rest on the fulfillment and notion that family is what you need because mere things will never carry you as far or as long. The holidays are supposed to be the time when you honor and cherish your family in a relaxed and festive manner. Essentially it should be the celebration of family and loved ones that sets the tone for the holidays. That is want for me and for everyone else in the world. To have a sense of relaxed and fulfilled joy to rejuvenate you those you and those you love with good food, conversation and memories of one another than mean more than the gifts we bought one another.
Here's hoping that you are celebrating the holidays by loving your family and friends with quality time and appreciation because it has been a rough year economically, emotionally and culturally for the world over. This is a year completed with the things we love in tact so that we can love them again next year and hopefully for many years to come.
Here's to those we love, Happy Holidays!
The season starts far too early and retail begins it earlier and earlier every year. This year I saw and heard Christmas being pushed like a crack as early as October 1st! I imagine that with the economy being in the crapper that the need to find financial equilibrium as a retailer is worse than it has been since the great depression. Even with that as being the case I still cannot see pimping Christmas wares before we can buy candy for Halloween or Turkeys for Thanksgiving. Long gone are the days when you can enjoy the immediate holiday coming before Christmas is pushed on you. And I think that living in the world of capitalism can help you appreciate where the retail owner is coming from and maybe even find a way to forgive them a little when you couple the crashing economy and the number of closing stores into the equation but what I cannot tolerate or forgive is the people during this time of year.
The economy hasn't always affected the people in this regard. For as long as I can remember I have been baffled by the notion that you should have good cheer because Christmas is here. I have always been of the mindset that you should be of good cheer year around and not just in the month of December and part of January as your resolutions may guide you. I am of the belief that being good to one another is something we should strive for on a daily basis. Having said all that here is where my confusion comes into play. If this is indeed the season of cheer then why is it not exercised as prescribed? From traffic to sales, people are true to their selfish and evil tendencies when the last of something is at stake. And foolish me I would think that this behavior would lessen as the internet and internet shopping become more and more popular and viable a solution to braving the weather and traffic of holiday shopping. People are rude, tired, selfish, dangerously preoccupied and most apt to cut you off in traffic for a parking space. And why? To purchase gifts to further spoil a generation of over-weight, over-indulged brats!
My family is broken and that is not a secret, so I don't spend my holidays with my siblings but I do however spend them with my child. Here's the golden rule about Christmas: she gets five presents period! 1 big item, 1 item she wants but I don't necessarily want to get her, 1 item I want her to have, 1 traditional gift she gets every year and 1 item she needs. You would think that with this formula that she would not be excited by her gifts but she is because they are still a surprise to her and the great thing is she remembers what she got and she appreciates them. I want her to focus more on us spending time together and giving rather than receiving. I want her to understand more about why we celebrate the season than to associate it with putting on a happy face because its a season of good cheer even though people are behaving badly. I want her to know its about family even thought its just her and I. That we start the year and end it with each other because after the presents are opened all that is left is the company of family. Our appreciation and joy should rest on the fulfillment and notion that family is what you need because mere things will never carry you as far or as long. The holidays are supposed to be the time when you honor and cherish your family in a relaxed and festive manner. Essentially it should be the celebration of family and loved ones that sets the tone for the holidays. That is want for me and for everyone else in the world. To have a sense of relaxed and fulfilled joy to rejuvenate you those you and those you love with good food, conversation and memories of one another than mean more than the gifts we bought one another.
Here's hoping that you are celebrating the holidays by loving your family and friends with quality time and appreciation because it has been a rough year economically, emotionally and culturally for the world over. This is a year completed with the things we love in tact so that we can love them again next year and hopefully for many years to come.
Here's to those we love, Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
SHE
A pronoun meant for simple repetitive use without a whole lot of meaning or emotions. This pronoun is used with a capital letter to represent the name of the woman I came from. It is the half way mark that I have come to between Mom which is a grossly inappropriate name for something She didn't do for me which is mother and Velma which is her name and has more disrespect than I intend to apply. So for all intent and purposes I have been calling her "She" whenever I speak about her. Maybe that will change......
She was born January 9, 1946 as Velma Jean Gross. It was said that She was one of two. Her twin brother died an infant, SIDS. She was kinda spoiled and very selfish. She was known for saying that the reason she had so many children was because she didn't want us to feel alone like she did growing up. To me that was code for, "If I have enough of you there will enough so that I won't have to take care any of you very much." though those words were never actually spoken. Each of my siblings left her care sooner than most children do for varying reason both coerced and not. All before a graduating age except for "D" her favorite but that is a totally different story for a different blog. She passed away July 3rd, 2000.
I have very few good memories of her but many good thoughts from when I was kid that help to hold a mental image of her in my mind. I remember thinking she was quite possibly the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on. The betrayal of reality was that it was just the outside that was beautiful. She was a model. Not like supermodel but she did some commercial stuff local to Sacramento. She modeled clothes that white collar Caucasian males would buy for their stay-at-home wives. She sold these clothes for a lady that owned a boutique on the corner of Howe and Arden near Arden Fair Mall and California State Fair Grounds. They would go to a Country Club across from a golf course. The club was called "The Golden Tee". She would model different outfits and sell raffle tickets for Ducks Unlimited. This job afforded her the ability to talk to people and flirt for money. Its what she loved to do the most, flirt. Nadia, the lady that owned the boutique, wasn't very good to my mother money wise but I suspect She knew it and didn't really care. My little sister and I loved playing in the clothes She got to keep and the way they smelled like her. Her beauty and her smell round out the image that is still her to me.
Two very distinct contrasting stories about what I remember one good and one bad and then the purpose for this blog dedicated to her. First the stories.
Rain -
I staring walking to school at a very age, kindergarten age 5, by myself. I think I was in first grade when I was walking home in a bad rain. The first corner you come to out of the school gate was always the first to flood. I was really tiny then...kind of a waif, wind and rain went right through me. After wading through the almost waist high water with my clear Tweedy Bird umbrella I walked that long street of Thomas Drive toward my house. As I was about to cross the last street to begin the last leg of my walk home I see someone running toward me. The person is really running. At first I was a little worried. Then the person started to come into clearer view and I noticed it was her. She must have looked out of the kitchen window and noticed that it was really coming down. She was running to get me. She scooped me up and ran back to the house. It was less than a full block back. When we got there soaked, she made me soup and let me have a pixie stick...it was grape my favorite.
I am not your accomplice-
It was freshmen year in high school I found out that She was dealing drugs. Her coast guard boyfriend who kind of liked me was out on a mission and had been away for a while. So left to her own devices she took up with a druggie. I have always said that her genitals must have been laced in gold or something because the women had the hardest time getting rid of anyone she slept with. The druggie was no different. One night after Mr. Coast Guard got back a fight broke out. Now I have to mention that the druggie was not a big guy. He was the quintessential druggie stereotypical in every way. So when this fight broke out it was unmatched from the first harsh word spoken. Then Mr. Coast Guard pulled a knife. I don't know how many times he stabbed the druggie but it was enough to leave him fighting for his life. She and Mr. Coast Guard had some explaining to do so they left the kids in my care. Later on that night a phone from Her asked me to move the knife for her to a safe place away from the apartment we lived. When I refused to become an accomplice she told me I had better not be home when she returned. I walked the streets for some hours until being cold led me back home to my brother and sisters. The next morning She was pist but she didn't speak to me not for several days actually. She pouted and gave the silent treatment like a child. It wasn't too long afterward that she kicked me out of the house for good for something more ludicrous than not moving a knife.
I have always been of the mindset that a happy medium should be reached if at all possible. I have rationalized what every human on earth knows full well. You cannot go back nor can you recapture what is lost or gain something that has never been. I have been more fortunate in becoming a mother. I realize that I am not the child in this scenario but what I do get out of being a mom is the redemption in doing it the right way and reclaiming some of the magic of a child that I was robbed. I know through just experience and putting what I knew about her and what it feels like to be a mom the choices she faced. I have figured out why she made the ones she did and how it probably made her a little miserable that she didn't make better choices. What is greater still is my daughter has restored me to a place where what could have been isn't killing me anymore and what will never be doesn't haunt my dreams.
I also believe that things happen for a reason and a purpose even when we are not sure of either. I believe that the circle of living is such that you get a chance to be whole even when you miss out on the little things. You will live long enough to see fences mend, for you to evolve, to share, to break and be broken and to have the cycle be as such that it folds onto itself creating a correlation to what was then to what is now. That fold is where it comes down to defining you, the perfect you. The you that realizes that from a bad mother came a great mother to a great child who will one day pay you a great honor and have kids that will benefit from your hardships and it will be become your legacy to break chains and clear a new path. That is what SHE ultimately made me. The new legacy.
People tell me all the time that I will one day need to make peace with her but I know that there is no peace to be made really. She was who she was and it made me who I am today. In a weird way I am grateful. I can't imagine being something different and more and more as time goes on I am sure I don't want to be. So all that is left to say is "Thanks Mom, rest in peace."
She was born January 9, 1946 as Velma Jean Gross. It was said that She was one of two. Her twin brother died an infant, SIDS. She was kinda spoiled and very selfish. She was known for saying that the reason she had so many children was because she didn't want us to feel alone like she did growing up. To me that was code for, "If I have enough of you there will enough so that I won't have to take care any of you very much." though those words were never actually spoken. Each of my siblings left her care sooner than most children do for varying reason both coerced and not. All before a graduating age except for "D" her favorite but that is a totally different story for a different blog. She passed away July 3rd, 2000.
I have very few good memories of her but many good thoughts from when I was kid that help to hold a mental image of her in my mind. I remember thinking she was quite possibly the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on. The betrayal of reality was that it was just the outside that was beautiful. She was a model. Not like supermodel but she did some commercial stuff local to Sacramento. She modeled clothes that white collar Caucasian males would buy for their stay-at-home wives. She sold these clothes for a lady that owned a boutique on the corner of Howe and Arden near Arden Fair Mall and California State Fair Grounds. They would go to a Country Club across from a golf course. The club was called "The Golden Tee". She would model different outfits and sell raffle tickets for Ducks Unlimited. This job afforded her the ability to talk to people and flirt for money. Its what she loved to do the most, flirt. Nadia, the lady that owned the boutique, wasn't very good to my mother money wise but I suspect She knew it and didn't really care. My little sister and I loved playing in the clothes She got to keep and the way they smelled like her. Her beauty and her smell round out the image that is still her to me.
Two very distinct contrasting stories about what I remember one good and one bad and then the purpose for this blog dedicated to her. First the stories.
Rain -
I staring walking to school at a very age, kindergarten age 5, by myself. I think I was in first grade when I was walking home in a bad rain. The first corner you come to out of the school gate was always the first to flood. I was really tiny then...kind of a waif, wind and rain went right through me. After wading through the almost waist high water with my clear Tweedy Bird umbrella I walked that long street of Thomas Drive toward my house. As I was about to cross the last street to begin the last leg of my walk home I see someone running toward me. The person is really running. At first I was a little worried. Then the person started to come into clearer view and I noticed it was her. She must have looked out of the kitchen window and noticed that it was really coming down. She was running to get me. She scooped me up and ran back to the house. It was less than a full block back. When we got there soaked, she made me soup and let me have a pixie stick...it was grape my favorite.
I am not your accomplice-
It was freshmen year in high school I found out that She was dealing drugs. Her coast guard boyfriend who kind of liked me was out on a mission and had been away for a while. So left to her own devices she took up with a druggie. I have always said that her genitals must have been laced in gold or something because the women had the hardest time getting rid of anyone she slept with. The druggie was no different. One night after Mr. Coast Guard got back a fight broke out. Now I have to mention that the druggie was not a big guy. He was the quintessential druggie stereotypical in every way. So when this fight broke out it was unmatched from the first harsh word spoken. Then Mr. Coast Guard pulled a knife. I don't know how many times he stabbed the druggie but it was enough to leave him fighting for his life. She and Mr. Coast Guard had some explaining to do so they left the kids in my care. Later on that night a phone from Her asked me to move the knife for her to a safe place away from the apartment we lived. When I refused to become an accomplice she told me I had better not be home when she returned. I walked the streets for some hours until being cold led me back home to my brother and sisters. The next morning She was pist but she didn't speak to me not for several days actually. She pouted and gave the silent treatment like a child. It wasn't too long afterward that she kicked me out of the house for good for something more ludicrous than not moving a knife.
I have always been of the mindset that a happy medium should be reached if at all possible. I have rationalized what every human on earth knows full well. You cannot go back nor can you recapture what is lost or gain something that has never been. I have been more fortunate in becoming a mother. I realize that I am not the child in this scenario but what I do get out of being a mom is the redemption in doing it the right way and reclaiming some of the magic of a child that I was robbed. I know through just experience and putting what I knew about her and what it feels like to be a mom the choices she faced. I have figured out why she made the ones she did and how it probably made her a little miserable that she didn't make better choices. What is greater still is my daughter has restored me to a place where what could have been isn't killing me anymore and what will never be doesn't haunt my dreams.
I also believe that things happen for a reason and a purpose even when we are not sure of either. I believe that the circle of living is such that you get a chance to be whole even when you miss out on the little things. You will live long enough to see fences mend, for you to evolve, to share, to break and be broken and to have the cycle be as such that it folds onto itself creating a correlation to what was then to what is now. That fold is where it comes down to defining you, the perfect you. The you that realizes that from a bad mother came a great mother to a great child who will one day pay you a great honor and have kids that will benefit from your hardships and it will be become your legacy to break chains and clear a new path. That is what SHE ultimately made me. The new legacy.
People tell me all the time that I will one day need to make peace with her but I know that there is no peace to be made really. She was who she was and it made me who I am today. In a weird way I am grateful. I can't imagine being something different and more and more as time goes on I am sure I don't want to be. So all that is left to say is "Thanks Mom, rest in peace."
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Difference a New Bed Makes
So Friday 10/24 I got a new bed. And the flash forward opinion is that this bed is pretty awesome. Its compfy and leaves more space in my room but my initial reaction to it wasn't as positive nor was the process from purchase to sleeping.
I have been looking for a bed for about 9 months. The problem with bed hunting is that it requires compromise. I am no stranger to compromise I do it all the time; in fact, I think I might compromise a little too much. I wanted to find a bed that would restore my sleep but not break my will to live by sucking the life out of my wallet. I searched and salesmen tried their level best to sell me on a bed. It wasn't till I saw a huge poster for an outlet mattress place that a real prospect came available. Its a warehouse on Atlantic and I got to lay on the different beds and see prices without a salesmen being up my butt the whole time. The prices were lowish and I was tired of losing sleep so I purchased a bed. I was thinking this was the end to my woes and was kind of excited even till the day the bed was supposed to be delivered.
I realized that I needed sheets and blankets that fit. Seeing that this new bed is a different size you would think I would have already made this correlation upon the purchase. I didn't. On bed delivery day, I had to go out looking for something to clothe the thing. I had no idea that comforters and sheets and such cost so much!!! In looking for a reasonable price I started to get a little anxious and then to sweat and finally frustrated. This is absolutely the wrong time to be shopping for anything. I hate crowds, people suck during the holidays and well I just felt like I was spending way too much on this bed endeavor. After speaking to my good friend who assured me that the prices I was seeing were very real and the ones I found were actually more than reasonable they were out-n-out cheap I made a purchase. I went home after a very long day of bed clothes shopping and washed my winnings.
It took forever wash and dry as the comforter was very large and needed a couple of cycles in the dryer. I was determined though to make my first night of sleep worth the purchases made. 1 am and I am finally going to bed. 3 am or so I finally go to sleep. Not such a great night all the anxiety and shopping to contend with made it difficult plus its a new bed so it was kinda more stiff than the one I tried out in the warehouse. Day 2 better but still tense over the purchases. As the days roll along it gets better and now I am sleeping the best I have in years.
Now why was this blog-worthy you ask? The bed situation is indicative to how I treat myself. I buy things for my little one without blinking an eye. There are times when I don't even look at the cost with the justification that if she needs it she just needs it. I don't have the same opinion about my needs. Hell to get to the core of it I don't really even acknowledge I have needs most of the time. I do have needs. I am not at all certain what I will do with that acknowledgment but now that I know that small truth its hard to un-know it. I imagine that it means going forward I will need to stop ignoring the truth and start doing something about my neglected needs.
This revelation is brought you by...A new bed!
I have been looking for a bed for about 9 months. The problem with bed hunting is that it requires compromise. I am no stranger to compromise I do it all the time; in fact, I think I might compromise a little too much. I wanted to find a bed that would restore my sleep but not break my will to live by sucking the life out of my wallet. I searched and salesmen tried their level best to sell me on a bed. It wasn't till I saw a huge poster for an outlet mattress place that a real prospect came available. Its a warehouse on Atlantic and I got to lay on the different beds and see prices without a salesmen being up my butt the whole time. The prices were lowish and I was tired of losing sleep so I purchased a bed. I was thinking this was the end to my woes and was kind of excited even till the day the bed was supposed to be delivered.
I realized that I needed sheets and blankets that fit. Seeing that this new bed is a different size you would think I would have already made this correlation upon the purchase. I didn't. On bed delivery day, I had to go out looking for something to clothe the thing. I had no idea that comforters and sheets and such cost so much!!! In looking for a reasonable price I started to get a little anxious and then to sweat and finally frustrated. This is absolutely the wrong time to be shopping for anything. I hate crowds, people suck during the holidays and well I just felt like I was spending way too much on this bed endeavor. After speaking to my good friend who assured me that the prices I was seeing were very real and the ones I found were actually more than reasonable they were out-n-out cheap I made a purchase. I went home after a very long day of bed clothes shopping and washed my winnings.
It took forever wash and dry as the comforter was very large and needed a couple of cycles in the dryer. I was determined though to make my first night of sleep worth the purchases made. 1 am and I am finally going to bed. 3 am or so I finally go to sleep. Not such a great night all the anxiety and shopping to contend with made it difficult plus its a new bed so it was kinda more stiff than the one I tried out in the warehouse. Day 2 better but still tense over the purchases. As the days roll along it gets better and now I am sleeping the best I have in years.
Now why was this blog-worthy you ask? The bed situation is indicative to how I treat myself. I buy things for my little one without blinking an eye. There are times when I don't even look at the cost with the justification that if she needs it she just needs it. I don't have the same opinion about my needs. Hell to get to the core of it I don't really even acknowledge I have needs most of the time. I do have needs. I am not at all certain what I will do with that acknowledgment but now that I know that small truth its hard to un-know it. I imagine that it means going forward I will need to stop ignoring the truth and start doing something about my neglected needs.
This revelation is brought you by...A new bed!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Anybody got a diversion?
There is nowhere near the amount of suckish things occurring in my life now as it was previously. I honestly say that as far as turmoil I am in a remission of sorts. I was so sure that my need for things that were bad was due to the sucktackular events that play out, without my consent. Now I know that it is all in my head. Literally.
I pick things apart, analyze no grind it down till I get to a point where I can figure things out. When I can't I start think about contingencies and cross section, quite remote, possibilities. My mind will work on something until it is all but to its barest molecules of itself. That's why I drank, screwed, shopped, partied and screwed up as much as I did back then. As I work through the last phase of getting mentally healthy I am realizing the depression was a by product of the horrible situations that life ( and I, through not the best of decisions) send my way.
Now that I am better to myself and the universe is getting on-board with the new trend I am finding more and more that I wish I still had the taste for alcolhol to stop the spinning of my brain. A great, adventuresome deviant even physical encounter within a safe long term relationship would be acceptable. A band of girlfriends like in my military days to get dressed and go to a club just to dance in a circle and make fun of other people would be worth having to stay up late and wash my hair at 2am. I totally wouldn't balk at a shopping spree that doesn't touch my checking account. The need to stop the spinning is that great because I know that my mind needs a distraction from its current agenda.
Also I know that I will not figure this one out because I have yet to do so thus far.
I pick things apart, analyze no grind it down till I get to a point where I can figure things out. When I can't I start think about contingencies and cross section, quite remote, possibilities. My mind will work on something until it is all but to its barest molecules of itself. That's why I drank, screwed, shopped, partied and screwed up as much as I did back then. As I work through the last phase of getting mentally healthy I am realizing the depression was a by product of the horrible situations that life ( and I, through not the best of decisions) send my way.
Now that I am better to myself and the universe is getting on-board with the new trend I am finding more and more that I wish I still had the taste for alcolhol to stop the spinning of my brain. A great, adventuresome deviant even physical encounter within a safe long term relationship would be acceptable. A band of girlfriends like in my military days to get dressed and go to a club just to dance in a circle and make fun of other people would be worth having to stay up late and wash my hair at 2am. I totally wouldn't balk at a shopping spree that doesn't touch my checking account. The need to stop the spinning is that great because I know that my mind needs a distraction from its current agenda.
Also I know that I will not figure this one out because I have yet to do so thus far.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Over My Heart
This has been the week of memories. In helping two close friends this week I have recalled some of my favorite memories that happen to take place in the worst times of my life. Yesterday I told Cydni about the day she was born. She loved it. Days ago I recalled my coping mechanism for hard times to a friend, the smile of Cydni and coloring. Earlier in the week I shared with my dad my favorite memory of the woman who gave birth to me. I called my sister to tell her about a favorite memory of her and I long ago. Tonight I laid in bed getting ready to drift off to sleep when a very precious series of memories played out.
It was hard to sleep when she was first born. It wasn't because she didn't sleep it was because I couldn't sleep. I was too busy checking on her to see if she was still breathing. This was just the day she was born, I couldn't imagine setting her down at home. After several hours of laying down and getting up to look at her I finally decided to put her in the bed with me. She was a big baby of 9 pounds at birth. I laid her on my chest and covered us both up in the blankets. We slept for hours. The nurses said that I didn't want to lay my sweet one on her stomach so soon after birth but I smiled and we went back to sleep.
When I finally took the little one home from the hospital I thought maybe we'll try the crib the first night. She slept but I didn't . In the bed she was with me again. Again we slept for hours. Her father didn't understand and was afraid of hitting her in his sleep; he decided to remove himself from our peaceful slumbering and slept on the couch.
Since our relationship didn't last much longer after her birth nothing really changed when I got my own apartment, she was 5 months old. Its sort of weird that my little princess brought me so much comfort and she couldn't even speak. But I do know that she didn't sleep long during nap time but she slept till she was hungry at night time. And that is how for almost a year Cydni Jasmine Stickney slept over my heart.
It was hard to sleep when she was first born. It wasn't because she didn't sleep it was because I couldn't sleep. I was too busy checking on her to see if she was still breathing. This was just the day she was born, I couldn't imagine setting her down at home. After several hours of laying down and getting up to look at her I finally decided to put her in the bed with me. She was a big baby of 9 pounds at birth. I laid her on my chest and covered us both up in the blankets. We slept for hours. The nurses said that I didn't want to lay my sweet one on her stomach so soon after birth but I smiled and we went back to sleep.
When I finally took the little one home from the hospital I thought maybe we'll try the crib the first night. She slept but I didn't . In the bed she was with me again. Again we slept for hours. Her father didn't understand and was afraid of hitting her in his sleep; he decided to remove himself from our peaceful slumbering and slept on the couch.
Since our relationship didn't last much longer after her birth nothing really changed when I got my own apartment, she was 5 months old. Its sort of weird that my little princess brought me so much comfort and she couldn't even speak. But I do know that she didn't sleep long during nap time but she slept till she was hungry at night time. And that is how for almost a year Cydni Jasmine Stickney slept over my heart.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Back to the Land of Academia
On normal occasion I love to learn and in the past I have loved to learn in a formal setting just as much as any other casual forum. Since choking in my last attempt to obtain a degree I have become much more apprehensive about my collegiate endeavors. This week marks my return to formal schooling.
I have embarked on a journey I hope to complete. All of the signs of reason are there that this is the right time to go back but for some reason I am in overwhelming doubt of my ability to complete this task. I have not been one to let a task go incomplete and I am not certain why I am now so intimidated by something that use to give me so much joy. As I wait on hold now for Tech Support because my account is already locked out I am starting to feel like I just want to go to bed and read instead of starting a semester of college.
I am sure that there are many things behind my feelings that can all be wiped away with a great explanation or two but I am thinking that maybe the real reason is that I have become really lazy. There was a time where I held down three part time jobs, a full load of courses and raising a 5 year old all while keeping the house cleaned. I have noticed that in the last few years that just raising Cydni and keeping the house cleaned is enough to make me want a nap. Now I am staring college courses in the face again and I am tired just thinking about homework.
What happened to my motivation and ambition to take on the world?
I have embarked on a journey I hope to complete. All of the signs of reason are there that this is the right time to go back but for some reason I am in overwhelming doubt of my ability to complete this task. I have not been one to let a task go incomplete and I am not certain why I am now so intimidated by something that use to give me so much joy. As I wait on hold now for Tech Support because my account is already locked out I am starting to feel like I just want to go to bed and read instead of starting a semester of college.
I am sure that there are many things behind my feelings that can all be wiped away with a great explanation or two but I am thinking that maybe the real reason is that I have become really lazy. There was a time where I held down three part time jobs, a full load of courses and raising a 5 year old all while keeping the house cleaned. I have noticed that in the last few years that just raising Cydni and keeping the house cleaned is enough to make me want a nap. Now I am staring college courses in the face again and I am tired just thinking about homework.
What happened to my motivation and ambition to take on the world?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
10 Months In
Ten months into the year and it went by fast. I can honestly say that I have checked off plenty of things from my 2008 to do list as well as some thing that weren't list makers. So to get up to speed because my consistency in blogging hasn't been what it should let's take a look at my ten months.
January - dating and getting through the 5th grade with Cydni. The dating bit was rocky and on its last leg of a second tried. The 5th grade gig was good. Good teacher, friends, events, homework and grades etc. Work was stressful with alot of reorgs going on and alot of work to be done in not alot of time.
February - got a dog, gave a dog back dating showing signs of breaking up and Cydni is still delightful. I adopted a dog that had medical problems that I was sure I was good to go in overcoming. Then he started to have separation anxiety and commenced to pissing and shitting in my house. This is with the neighbor coming over two a day to let him out to potty. Cydni is enjoying school but is getting the feeling that girls are catty, whoa brother is she in for a surprise in high school. Work is getting worse and so are the headaches and the depression and the problems I had last that warranted a colonoscopy well they still don't know what's wrong.
March - Cydni and I celebrate another year on the planet and I break it off with the guy. Cydni's birthday ok until I backed into a brick wall with my brand new 2008 Mazda 3 I bought last year. I needed a drink but I remained calm because it was my pumpkins special day. I had my b-day and it was ok I guess and I got some cool stuff but it wasn't what I wanted to do so I was a little bummed. Not even a day later or maybe a day, I had a disturbing conversation that led to ending the relationship. Another one bites the dust....so sad for all involved.
April - I have to say this was a clean up month nothing really happened to speak of...work trips, lots of work and Cydni with a mound of quality TV and movie time for me. Took a much needed long trip to Asheville with friends and decided that for all the progress I have made with people I still have a long way to go in social settings . That almost caused a major set back in depression development. The good news of the trip was a really cute boy of 27 hit on me! He thought I was younger and when I told him how old I am he didn't be leave me but was completely chagrined when I told him I live in Raleigh. Nice!
May - Epiphany month, well not really. I decided that I needed a goal for fitness to be something I achieve. It was really tough but me and a girlfriend decided that we wanted to finish a triathlon. I found one that was really small and doable and went to work. I was walking, joined a gym to ride a bike and signed up for a swim class. I was pumped about eating right and meeting my goal.
June - Still working on being fit but found out the event I wanted to do was full and I would have to aim for next year. No worries more time to get a program. I did more research, bought books and looked into a bike. Completed swim class with the definitive sense much needed private lessons. I swim fine I just suck at lap swimming. But still I am doing this thing! Travel for work meant a week in England :p food is stinky!! and I had a phone interview for a new job woo hoo!
July - Still traveling for work, still getting headaches still depressed and its been since my b-day that i was last serviced (if you know what I mean). Work though is taking a look toward something better. I had an in-person interview and got the job! It means traveling to work 37 miles one way but hey it also meant a 17k raise, who's bad!!! Old company not so happy new company thrilled and so am I.
August- Hot, dry, droughty miserable no depression less headache and the munchkin starts a new school. Cydni is a middle schooler now and loving every minute of it. It's public school and that means she can be the fashion diva she was born to be and I can spend my raise on clothes. New work drama afoot I am now officially the small fish in a big pond who has just come toe to toe with a great white shark. I thought I knew some thing but I now know I don't know NADA!
September - Its dawned on me that I haven't been working out and the conveniences that I built in to make that easy have been erased because of the new job location. DANG! Fat and getting Fatter. I am still the village idiot but Cydni is still happy about school and life in general! Mmmmm 50/50 on the happiness meter for the household. Had some ladies over to the house for a knitting session, one of my resolutions coming to fruition a little late in the year. But done nonetheless.
Which brings us to October! I am getting around to the rest of my resolutions. created a meetup profile and joined two groups. one to fit the single parent support need and another to fulfill the need to get better at having and maintaining girlfriend relationships since i am a girl and all...well sometimes despite my tomboyish ways! Cydni got blog kudos for her strength. I made a new friend (not a girl) and Cydni's father actually thanked me for being a good mother after seeing Cydni's progress report. And I am actually solving issues at work with little to no help now, the queen is on the rise.
I am know I am forgetting some things in there seems like there was more to my world but I guess when you are in the middle of life it all seems larger and more full than it really is....especially when you are looking back on it. The weeks are flying by so it will be interesting to see how I fair with the holidays coming. Here's hoping Santa brings us a Wii and I don't have to pay for it.
January - dating and getting through the 5th grade with Cydni. The dating bit was rocky and on its last leg of a second tried. The 5th grade gig was good. Good teacher, friends, events, homework and grades etc. Work was stressful with alot of reorgs going on and alot of work to be done in not alot of time.
February - got a dog, gave a dog back dating showing signs of breaking up and Cydni is still delightful. I adopted a dog that had medical problems that I was sure I was good to go in overcoming. Then he started to have separation anxiety and commenced to pissing and shitting in my house. This is with the neighbor coming over two a day to let him out to potty. Cydni is enjoying school but is getting the feeling that girls are catty, whoa brother is she in for a surprise in high school. Work is getting worse and so are the headaches and the depression and the problems I had last that warranted a colonoscopy well they still don't know what's wrong.
March - Cydni and I celebrate another year on the planet and I break it off with the guy. Cydni's birthday ok until I backed into a brick wall with my brand new 2008 Mazda 3 I bought last year. I needed a drink but I remained calm because it was my pumpkins special day. I had my b-day and it was ok I guess and I got some cool stuff but it wasn't what I wanted to do so I was a little bummed. Not even a day later or maybe a day, I had a disturbing conversation that led to ending the relationship. Another one bites the dust....so sad for all involved.
April - I have to say this was a clean up month nothing really happened to speak of...work trips, lots of work and Cydni with a mound of quality TV and movie time for me. Took a much needed long trip to Asheville with friends and decided that for all the progress I have made with people I still have a long way to go in social settings . That almost caused a major set back in depression development. The good news of the trip was a really cute boy of 27 hit on me! He thought I was younger and when I told him how old I am he didn't be leave me but was completely chagrined when I told him I live in Raleigh. Nice!
May - Epiphany month, well not really. I decided that I needed a goal for fitness to be something I achieve. It was really tough but me and a girlfriend decided that we wanted to finish a triathlon. I found one that was really small and doable and went to work. I was walking, joined a gym to ride a bike and signed up for a swim class. I was pumped about eating right and meeting my goal.
June - Still working on being fit but found out the event I wanted to do was full and I would have to aim for next year. No worries more time to get a program. I did more research, bought books and looked into a bike. Completed swim class with the definitive sense much needed private lessons. I swim fine I just suck at lap swimming. But still I am doing this thing! Travel for work meant a week in England :p food is stinky!! and I had a phone interview for a new job woo hoo!
July - Still traveling for work, still getting headaches still depressed and its been since my b-day that i was last serviced (if you know what I mean). Work though is taking a look toward something better. I had an in-person interview and got the job! It means traveling to work 37 miles one way but hey it also meant a 17k raise, who's bad!!! Old company not so happy new company thrilled and so am I.
August- Hot, dry, droughty miserable no depression less headache and the munchkin starts a new school. Cydni is a middle schooler now and loving every minute of it. It's public school and that means she can be the fashion diva she was born to be and I can spend my raise on clothes. New work drama afoot I am now officially the small fish in a big pond who has just come toe to toe with a great white shark. I thought I knew some thing but I now know I don't know NADA!
September - Its dawned on me that I haven't been working out and the conveniences that I built in to make that easy have been erased because of the new job location. DANG! Fat and getting Fatter. I am still the village idiot but Cydni is still happy about school and life in general! Mmmmm 50/50 on the happiness meter for the household. Had some ladies over to the house for a knitting session, one of my resolutions coming to fruition a little late in the year. But done nonetheless.
Which brings us to October! I am getting around to the rest of my resolutions. created a meetup profile and joined two groups. one to fit the single parent support need and another to fulfill the need to get better at having and maintaining girlfriend relationships since i am a girl and all...well sometimes despite my tomboyish ways! Cydni got blog kudos for her strength. I made a new friend (not a girl) and Cydni's father actually thanked me for being a good mother after seeing Cydni's progress report. And I am actually solving issues at work with little to no help now, the queen is on the rise.
I am know I am forgetting some things in there seems like there was more to my world but I guess when you are in the middle of life it all seems larger and more full than it really is....especially when you are looking back on it. The weeks are flying by so it will be interesting to see how I fair with the holidays coming. Here's hoping Santa brings us a Wii and I don't have to pay for it.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Raising Strong Little Women
Friday was the 6th grade dance. I don't have to tell parents of little girls what a massive undertaking it is to allow your daughter to be a pre-teen/teen/college student and enjoy all that means. The worries are endless and the dangers are plentiful unfortunately. I constantly pray that she will not ever in her life become me. My heart would stop beating if any of my faults are passed down to her. Luckily for me all signs are pointing to a strong little girl in the making to becoming an even stronger woman.
Two weeks before the dance Cydni was asked to the dance by a boy in her career development class 8th period. She was not only excited but beside herself like all girls are when asked by a boy to any event. We found a perfect outfit that was not only age appropriate but trendy and cute. Her worries subsided a bit and refocused on her best friend and whether not she will get asked. It was all very normal and good.
The day of the dance October 3rd comes and I get a text saying that her date wouldn't be able to make it because he had to babysit his cousin. Immediately I began to worry that she would be bummed and need her first ice cream session with her mom. I text back asked if she wanted me to pick her up and her exact response was, "heck no i am having fun with my friends!". Score one for the little lady that can roll with the punches and come out enjoying the experience.
Later on in the dance I get another text that said, "Hey mom if you want to you can pick me up now because alot of the guys are starting to ask the girls if they can dance and they start grinding" Winning score for my big girl!!! I couldn't be more proud that my baby would see a situation and know that its not for her and decide to leave instead of succumbing to peer pressure. Its one of those moments that gives some insight as to how you are doing as a parent.
Apparently I am on the road to raising a strong little woman and I couldn't be more proud of her or myself right now.
Two weeks before the dance Cydni was asked to the dance by a boy in her career development class 8th period. She was not only excited but beside herself like all girls are when asked by a boy to any event. We found a perfect outfit that was not only age appropriate but trendy and cute. Her worries subsided a bit and refocused on her best friend and whether not she will get asked. It was all very normal and good.
The day of the dance October 3rd comes and I get a text saying that her date wouldn't be able to make it because he had to babysit his cousin. Immediately I began to worry that she would be bummed and need her first ice cream session with her mom. I text back asked if she wanted me to pick her up and her exact response was, "heck no i am having fun with my friends!". Score one for the little lady that can roll with the punches and come out enjoying the experience.
Later on in the dance I get another text that said, "Hey mom if you want to you can pick me up now because alot of the guys are starting to ask the girls if they can dance and they start grinding" Winning score for my big girl!!! I couldn't be more proud that my baby would see a situation and know that its not for her and decide to leave instead of succumbing to peer pressure. Its one of those moments that gives some insight as to how you are doing as a parent.
Apparently I am on the road to raising a strong little woman and I couldn't be more proud of her or myself right now.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I am setting a reminder....
So blogging this year didn't go as intended. I did find some comfort in tweeting. (see twitter.com) That is more convenient and actually more fun as I think that maybe I might be the queen of one liners. Limited character space for messages means an effort to be clever yet informative and I have found that every minute of the day I am at least that.
I do still wan to blog as I have found that when I do I carry less around in my head. If you know me at all you know that I carry mucho mucho tinkering thoughts in my noggin for pondering sake. So I think an attempt to set a reminder might be in order. I guess we will see how I make out right?
I do still wan to blog as I have found that when I do I carry less around in my head. If you know me at all you know that I carry mucho mucho tinkering thoughts in my noggin for pondering sake. So I think an attempt to set a reminder might be in order. I guess we will see how I make out right?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Allowance
Did you get one? I didn't. So figuring out what is fair and what to give has been a interesting ride. I should just give her my debit card because honestly most of my money goes to feeding, clothing, housing, educating, and entertaining her. Why shouldn't what's left go to her directly to be used as mad cash under the guise that she rightfully earned the rest of the money in my purse. And she is a wiley one too because she is cute.....believe me its the most deadly of all of her weapons against me. That is precisely how it has come to be that this year I am giving out a weekly allowance to my ten year old.
The terms: 3 chores that are outside of her normal responsibilities as a resident of the house. Vacuum three times a week, load and/or unload the dishwasher and clean her bathroom which happens to be the one that guests use when (if) we have a visitor. Additional condition: if she has to be reminded to do her chores she forfeits that day's wages and still has to do her chores. She knows what days she is getting paid for as the agreed upon daily wage will be written in on the corresponding day of the calendar. Deductions are reflected by the difference in the amount posted. She collects on Fridays.
Strict? Ya well I have to have some sort of futile measure that I am in charge around here right? We are only on week 4 of this so called experiment of allowance and she missed the wages of a complete week. I think she needed a vacation from the previous two weeks where she performed quite nicely. So far this week, looks like she will make it but who knows as its only Tuesday.
I think this would work better if she actually paid for her stuff. You know like the things that she collects that I don't want to buy her. She loves 'Littlest Pet Shop' and 'Webkins'. While these are relatively inexpensive purchases they are still a huge nuisance to me. She has over 60 'Littlest Pet Shop' animals and plenty of accessories. She has 20+ 'Webkins' and clothes to interchange. They are everywhere and I am tired of looking at them. I am tired of buying them.....the good news is she doesn't want to be spend her money on them either because she likes having money. I do too but unfortunately having it is a thing of the past for me now thanks to Allowance!
The terms: 3 chores that are outside of her normal responsibilities as a resident of the house. Vacuum three times a week, load and/or unload the dishwasher and clean her bathroom which happens to be the one that guests use when (if) we have a visitor. Additional condition: if she has to be reminded to do her chores she forfeits that day's wages and still has to do her chores. She knows what days she is getting paid for as the agreed upon daily wage will be written in on the corresponding day of the calendar. Deductions are reflected by the difference in the amount posted. She collects on Fridays.
Strict? Ya well I have to have some sort of futile measure that I am in charge around here right? We are only on week 4 of this so called experiment of allowance and she missed the wages of a complete week. I think she needed a vacation from the previous two weeks where she performed quite nicely. So far this week, looks like she will make it but who knows as its only Tuesday.
I think this would work better if she actually paid for her stuff. You know like the things that she collects that I don't want to buy her. She loves 'Littlest Pet Shop' and 'Webkins'. While these are relatively inexpensive purchases they are still a huge nuisance to me. She has over 60 'Littlest Pet Shop' animals and plenty of accessories. She has 20+ 'Webkins' and clothes to interchange. They are everywhere and I am tired of looking at them. I am tired of buying them.....the good news is she doesn't want to be spend her money on them either because she likes having money. I do too but unfortunately having it is a thing of the past for me now thanks to Allowance!
Monday, February 4, 2008
I Got a Neewww Dog....One that won't make me sick!!!
So, its been a while and I am feeling bloggy. Well not really but I thought I would blog anyway.
I got a dog! Its a big step for me because in Nov 06' I lost the doggy love of my life and I thought I wouldn't be able to bear to have another dog. Thankfully I was wrong.
His name is Brody (the new dog, try and stay with me!) I adopted him from the Carolina Boxer Rescue (http://cbr.homestead.com/) He is the most laid back dog there ever was....and sweet too! I drove down to see Pedro at the border and met his foster parents and he was wagging his nub of a tail like he was deliberately was trying to shake it loose. I had a good feeling the whole way through so we brought him home. He needed a bath and food and plenty of sweet kisses, he got all those and a warm bed to sleep in after his long ride from the border. It was a good Saturday.
Sunday the kid came home early and was completely leveled with all the kisses and doggy slobbering Brody could offer. Needless to say she too was happy!!!
Now the challenge is doggy visitation rights. My right hand man, who has never liked dogs prior, is now very much a proud doggy co-owner. Reading up on dogging health and behavior, toys, food and accessories. Its very sweet and its helpful to have someone with me so I won't feel guilty about having another dog in my house.
I talk about my Tristan all the time. I miss him in the most weird moments. He was the first friend I made in North Carolina and the best companion. So I don't feel like Brody is a replacement because no new dog could ever do that; I do fee like he is the best follow up dog anyone who has lost their best friend could ever hope for.
Go see my pics of my new little man at http://cbr.homestead.com/Brody.html and while you're there donate, adopt or just ogle at the sweet boxers they have on their site.
I got a dog! Its a big step for me because in Nov 06' I lost the doggy love of my life and I thought I wouldn't be able to bear to have another dog. Thankfully I was wrong.
His name is Brody (the new dog, try and stay with me!) I adopted him from the Carolina Boxer Rescue (http://cbr.homestead.com/) He is the most laid back dog there ever was....and sweet too! I drove down to see Pedro at the border and met his foster parents and he was wagging his nub of a tail like he was deliberately was trying to shake it loose. I had a good feeling the whole way through so we brought him home. He needed a bath and food and plenty of sweet kisses, he got all those and a warm bed to sleep in after his long ride from the border. It was a good Saturday.
Sunday the kid came home early and was completely leveled with all the kisses and doggy slobbering Brody could offer. Needless to say she too was happy!!!
Now the challenge is doggy visitation rights. My right hand man, who has never liked dogs prior, is now very much a proud doggy co-owner. Reading up on dogging health and behavior, toys, food and accessories. Its very sweet and its helpful to have someone with me so I won't feel guilty about having another dog in my house.
I talk about my Tristan all the time. I miss him in the most weird moments. He was the first friend I made in North Carolina and the best companion. So I don't feel like Brody is a replacement because no new dog could ever do that; I do fee like he is the best follow up dog anyone who has lost their best friend could ever hope for.
Go see my pics of my new little man at http://cbr.homestead.com/Brody.html and while you're there donate, adopt or just ogle at the sweet boxers they have on their site.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Do you love music? & Does it love you back?
I love music!!!
Of all kinds and I am happy to say that we are finally seeing the days where black people are broadening their musical horizons more and more by listening to music that goes way beyond the stereotypes that we all listen to hip hop and rap.
But this is not what i want to gab about tonight.
Everyone loves how music can bring you to total recall of a time, place, person, smell, food, season, or just a simple split instant state of mind you endured for whatever reason and that that is wonderful. Even when its painful its still very wonderful.
What I think is harsh is when you already feel the feeling and you need a song to further it, you know give it vibrancy and validity. No, what i want is not to further it I want to harvest it!
You need a soul saving song that will get out of you the feeling you're experiencing so that you can lay it down and give it peace. A piece of music that explains, comforts, and performs an exorcism all at the same time. When you feel this emotion the bizarre circumstance of life and there is no peace to be had by a really good music exorcism you begin to see that music is not as in love with you as you are with it.
Days go by and you play different songs from present and past. You troll the music pimps to find new bands to see if the future holds a better musical priest only to find none. You start to play music in combinations thinking that a mixture is what you need and not just one song. It gets so bad that you start asking random people what they are listening to these days. And when you think you can stoop no lower waiting for the music gods to deliver you from insanity it happens....
you begin to sing songs that you know most of the words, off key and with misguided desperation. What do you do? You have always loved music you have walked the road of its evolution and spent your pennies in every media era when it was 8 tracks, records 45s and 33s, cassettes, CDs, MP3s, WAVs, and you kept taking every type as it came along saying as long as it plays music I will buy the apparatus that will allow me to listen.
Months will go by and you still won't hear that song. In a fit of despair you decide to just stop listening for a while and take a break. As you reach for the power button in your new car that you purchase just cause you can now plug your iPOD and get satellite radio you see that there is a CD in the there by the pretty flashing red LED indicator on the screen. What the hell you say and you press the mode button to get to CD and what is playing? "3 Libras" by Perfect Circle and Maynard is at the end... you the know the part where he sings "You don't, You don't, You don't SEE ME!; You don't, You don't You don't SEE ME!; You don't You don't You don't SEE ME! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU Don't see me, YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU Don't, You don't see me at all!!" and all you can do is stare.
Lift your finger to play it again then move it over and press repeat.
Of all kinds and I am happy to say that we are finally seeing the days where black people are broadening their musical horizons more and more by listening to music that goes way beyond the stereotypes that we all listen to hip hop and rap.
But this is not what i want to gab about tonight.
Everyone loves how music can bring you to total recall of a time, place, person, smell, food, season, or just a simple split instant state of mind you endured for whatever reason and that that is wonderful. Even when its painful its still very wonderful.
What I think is harsh is when you already feel the feeling and you need a song to further it, you know give it vibrancy and validity. No, what i want is not to further it I want to harvest it!
You need a soul saving song that will get out of you the feeling you're experiencing so that you can lay it down and give it peace. A piece of music that explains, comforts, and performs an exorcism all at the same time. When you feel this emotion the bizarre circumstance of life and there is no peace to be had by a really good music exorcism you begin to see that music is not as in love with you as you are with it.
Days go by and you play different songs from present and past. You troll the music pimps to find new bands to see if the future holds a better musical priest only to find none. You start to play music in combinations thinking that a mixture is what you need and not just one song. It gets so bad that you start asking random people what they are listening to these days. And when you think you can stoop no lower waiting for the music gods to deliver you from insanity it happens....
you begin to sing songs that you know most of the words, off key and with misguided desperation. What do you do? You have always loved music you have walked the road of its evolution and spent your pennies in every media era when it was 8 tracks, records 45s and 33s, cassettes, CDs, MP3s, WAVs, and you kept taking every type as it came along saying as long as it plays music I will buy the apparatus that will allow me to listen.
Months will go by and you still won't hear that song. In a fit of despair you decide to just stop listening for a while and take a break. As you reach for the power button in your new car that you purchase just cause you can now plug your iPOD and get satellite radio you see that there is a CD in the there by the pretty flashing red LED indicator on the screen. What the hell you say and you press the mode button to get to CD and what is playing? "3 Libras" by Perfect Circle and Maynard is at the end... you the know the part where he sings "You don't, You don't, You don't SEE ME!; You don't, You don't You don't SEE ME!; You don't You don't You don't SEE ME! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU Don't see me, YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU Don't, You don't see me at all!!" and all you can do is stare.
Lift your finger to play it again then move it over and press repeat.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
You are one of those.
To those who can get it out
who can speak when others shout
the ones who draw with depth & precision
all the many that pencil what their livin'
oh! the few who write it all down
the permanently inked you always want around
switchers from religion to faith
the givers that deliver what they make
crooners who relive life through song
that leave no one out & wave us to come along
big screen pretenders that lead through scenes
the players of humans and make believe
to those who have eyes, ears, and the will
extend your arms to reach for your dreams still
today gnuSuL
who can speak when others shout
the ones who draw with depth & precision
all the many that pencil what their livin'
oh! the few who write it all down
the permanently inked you always want around
switchers from religion to faith
the givers that deliver what they make
crooners who relive life through song
that leave no one out & wave us to come along
big screen pretenders that lead through scenes
the players of humans and make believe
to those who have eyes, ears, and the will
extend your arms to reach for your dreams still
today gnuSuL
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